things are about to get real

School is finally over for the semester!  I finished my finals today, and now I can just relax.  Except not really.  I still have to finish Christmas shopping, I have two doctors appointments this week, and I have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for my mastectomy.

I watched a web-series on YouTube about a girl named Claudia.  I came across it a long time ago when I was looking for videos about mastectomies, so I could get an idea of what the recovery process would be like.  She is a girl about my age with a genetic mutation called BRCA 1, which gave her an ~85% risk of developing breast cancer.  In order to defy those odds, she underwent a preventative bilateral mastectomy and documented her journey.  In one of her videos, she met up with the founder of the Keep-A-Breast foundation and had her torso made into a cast.  This way, she will always remember her natural form.

I loved this idea!  Of course there are pictures, but the idea of having a tangible representation of my body forever before I permanently change the way my chest looks was so comforting to me.  I looked up the Keep-A-Breast foundation and saw that I could apply for their Treasured Chest program.  I wasn't sure how that would work, since they are based in LA.  I didn't think I would have time to go all the way there to have a breast cast made before my surgery, but I submitted an application to see what would happen.  I got an email shortly after telling me that I would be receiving my DIY casting kit very soon.  That made so much more sense, and they were right, only a couple of days later I got a package in the mail.  It looked just like a Treasure Chest, and inside were all kinds of goodies, including plaster strips and an instructional DVD on how to make a breast cast.  It looks like a fun and slightly messy project, hopefully my mom and I can figure it out.  Then once I make it, I can decorate it.  Or maybe I can have someone decorate it for me - I'm still trying to decide.  I'm also still trying to decide how I want to decorate it, what kind of tone I want it to convey, etc.  I'm really looking forward to making my cast and seeing how it turns out.

I cannot believe my mastectomy is in 9 days (I guess 8 now, since it's after midnight).  The closer it gets, the more real it gets.  The more real it gets, the harder it is to stay complacent about it.  Some people have had the pleasure of witnessing me burst into tears for seemingly no reason.  I'm really scared.  Of what exactly, I'm not sure.  I know everything will be fine, but I don't know that there won't be any complications.  I don't know for sure how it will turn out.  I don't know how painful the recovery is going to be, or the expansion process, or the removal of the surgical drains.  Or maybe I'm more scared of what I do know - that I won't have any sensation in my right breast.  That it won't really be a breast anymore.  That I won't have a nipple there.  One thing that is really helping me with all of this is that I'll still have the left side.  And, I will still be me at the end of this long journey.  If anything, I'll be even stronger and more self-aware because of it.  My physical appearance will change slightly, hopefully for the better, but it won't change who I am.  So really, I don't have all that much to be afraid of, especially because of the amazing support system I have.  I appreciate you all so so so much.  And I appreciate being able to vent my feelings on here.  It's nice just to have people to listen to me, and it's nice to have the whole internet listen to me, lol.  I do not know what I would do without you guys, the people who have been there for me in more ways than I could list.  The people who have given me courage and positive thoughts.  The people who have listened to my fears and let me feel the way that I feel.  Thank you all.

I have an appointment tomorrow for another ultrasound.  I asked my breast surgeon about getting one to make sure that there isn't anything to worry about in my left breast before they do the mastectomy.  I also want to get an ultrasound of my abdominal area, since Fibromatosis usually shows up there, and the only reason I knew to get my breast checked out was because of the physical change that I saw.  I didn't see or feel a "lump," so how would I know that there's not anything in my stomach or my other breast?  I'm sure there's not, but I'm relieved that it's going to be verified.

On Thursday, I have another appointment - my pre-op appointment.  Then a week later I'll be going in for my surgery.  I can't believe it's almost here.  Lisa, my neighbor, gave me a CD to listen to that she listened to before, during, and after her surgery.  I've listened to the first few tracks a few times - the last couple are for after the surgery.  I'm going to ask if I can listen to it during my surgery, which I'm sure I'll be able to, since Lisa and I have the same surgeons.  It's very calming to listen to, the first few times I listened to it I fell asleep before I could finish it.  They recommend not listening to it while driving, and I can understand why.  Listening to it has been helping me prepare myself, especially when I'm feeling extra anxious.

Okay, that's all for now.  I need to go to sleep, heading to Kaiser in the morning.  Nighty night.

*Edit:  12/20 - Of course, they found something in my left breast at my ultrasound appointment yesterday.  It's probably something called Fibroadenoma according to the radiologist, which is no big deal.  I had it biopsied today just to make sure that it's nothing, and I should find out the results of that tomorrow or Monday.
I hope it's tomorrow, I HATE the waiting process.