Via Transformativa

    I already realized I was a work in progress, but I’m just now realizing how beautiful that is!  Let me attempt to explain.

    I was listening to a podcast (The One You Feed - What Creation Spirituality Means with Matthew Fox) and the guest was talking about the four paths of creation spirituality.  Creation spirituality is about the sacredness of nature and our existence, and the four pathways are the "Vias": Via Positiva, Via Negativa, Via Creativa, and Via Transformatvia.  He talked about how each pathway can lead to the next, and how the Via Creativa acts as a bridge to the Via Transformatvia.

    I've heard all the clichés - you are enough, perfectly imperfect, etc., but I never put much actual thought into them, into believing them.  I struggle with perfectionism, probably to an exorbitant degree as someone with OCD, and I realize that my struggle, my struggles, make me who I am in this moment.  I'm inclined to read back over this blog, combing it for areas where I can reword things or take out a word, but I know it won't ever be perfect.  It doesn't have to be!  This is my craft, my creative outlet.  It is only one of many, I'm fortunate to have multiple creative outlets, but so are we all!  From what I gleaned from the podcast, everyday decisions are part of the Via Creativa.

    The commandment of the Via Transformativa is "Be You Compassionate as You Creator in Heaven is Commpassionate."  I'm not religious, though I spent a few years in college attending bible study.  I needed that at that point in my life, and I will be forever grateful for that experience.  It was an important part of my story.

    Now, I'm spiritual, in the sense that I believe that every person has a Higher Power in them, perhaps their "good wolf" in the parable of The One You Feed podcast.  I've always been a compassionate person, and I'm realizing that is thanks to all my past experiences, the good and bad.  The Via Positiva and Via Negativa.

    Anyway, to the point, I am realizing that I am on this path, and I am living my purpose.  I am a mother, I am a nurse, I am an artist, I am a writer.  I am fortunate to be on this path, even though I have suffered misfortune.  My most notable recent bout of suffering was my time at Sierra Vista, but that experience shaped me into who I am today.  It gave me another layer to my compassion, and it provided me with tools, coping strategies.  The Next Steps program further taught me important lessons, allowing me to tease myself apart in ways that I hadn't ever before.  It also taught me the importance of self-compassion.

    Life is hard.  Motherhood is hard.  I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I want to do, but I'm realizing I have the same amount of time as everyone else, I just have an uncanny ability to squander it.  Ever since my hospitalization, I have a newfound appreciation for my freedom, and everything that I have, which makes everyday tasks a bit more time consuming.  This means, there is room for improvement!  I bought a timer with an intent to use it for cleaning tasks to keep myself on track, but I still need to set up the system that I want to use.  That can wait, I am still a procrastinator after all.

    I've changed immensely from the person I was when I started this blog, but I am still the same person in my soul.  This blog is aptly named, it is simply the place I can go to speak my truth in my natural format.  I am grateful to be back here. I will never be perfect, and as of now, that is okay with me.

Motherhood changed me, a work in progress.

    I obsessed over the idea of being a mother. For over a decade, I pondered. I watched mothers with young children in the streets. I watched countless YouTube videos on pregnancy and parenting. I’ve worked with children since my teenage years, and I’ve always known that I wanted to be a mother. 

    Nothing could have prepared me for how motherhood would affect me, how it would change me. I love my son more than anything or anyone I’ve ever loved before. This love is powerful, and it brought out my demons that were buried so deep, I didn’t even know they were there. 

    I was not sleeping. I would wake up nearly every morning at 3 AM, anxious about becoming a mother when I was pregnant, and about being a mother when I already was one. Anxious about everything my brain could think of in those middle-of-the-night hours. I was in survival mode, running on pure adrenaline during the day, for I don’t know how long.

 

    Breastfeeding was a journey all its own, one I was nervous about as a woman with only one breast. It was difficult, arduous, but we found our rhythm, my son and me. It was an experience I had to cut short at 6 months, as I was diagnosed with ADHD and felt the need to take medication. And we all know what happened next, those of us who have read my last blog, anyway. 

    I considered saying that motherhood broke me, but I was already broken. I think I knew I was, somewhere deep down. Broken. Now I want to say, motherhood fixed me. That would be erroneous as well, for I am not fixed. I am a work in progress. I got so lost in my role as James’ mom that I found myself at Sierra Vista. I completed Kaiser’s Next Steps program after I was discharged, and I’m continuing therapy and regular psychiatry visits. Now, I’m just trying to take care of myself, and I’m realizing that it doesn’t come as naturally to me as taking care of James does. I would do anything for him, but my cup was so damaged, let alone not filled, that I had to spend a week away from him.

    I’m trying. Trying to honor my soul. Trying to fill my cup. Trying to prioritize myself as much as I can, to do the things that bring me joy and satisfaction. Finding my way back to this blog was monumental in this process, and I plan to continue on this trajectory. Aside from writing, I have other aspirations. I want to get back in shape and get my house in order. I’ve always struggled with having too much stuff, and that became glaringly obvious after having a baby and all of his stuff. I need to declutter, desperately. I’m also trying to carve out an hour in the morning to work out and have some time to myself. I don’t always do it, but when I do, I always feel so good. I’m hoping putting it in writing here will motivate me to do it more.

    Anyway, that’s all for now. Here’s to 2023, the year of me.