Happy Unicorn

Hello!

It has been quite a while since I've posted a blog, but with all this extra time at home due to the current pandemic, I figured now was a good time to get back to it. 

As I mentioned on my Facebook recently, I decided to remove my breast implants and go au natural - that really is more my style anyway.  This has been a long time coming as I have known for quite some time that I didn't like having implants and wanted them out of my body.  I didn't like how they looked, I didn't like how they felt, and most of all, I didn't like how they impacted my upper body strength.  Since I had a unilateral mastectomy, I knew of course that without the implants I would have to have some other sort of reconstruction to create the illusion of 2 breasts - right?

When I was initially going through all of this, I was told that I wasn't a candidate for autologous reconstruction (using my own fat and tissue), but after doing some research, I found something that I would likely qualify for - a TUG flap - Transverse Upper Gracilis flap.  This is an extensive, specialized surgery which would use the gracilis muscle in the thigh, along with fat, to create a new breast.  I did a ton of research on this and was seriously contemplating doing the surgery - it would be a lot but then it would be done, no more implants, no future exchange surgeries, nothing.  The thing was, I was nervous about cutting into my thighs.  I didn't want to mess up my thigh muscle, I had already messed up my chest muscle and didn't need to mess with any other muscles.  I didn't want a huge scar down my inner thigh, I didn't want them to be asymmetrical, etc.  However, I truly thought this was my only option.  The idea of not doing reconstruction was never presented to me by any of my doctors, and it had never entered my mind.

Once I thought about it, I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I did tons of research, looked at tons of pictures, thought of myself without reconstruction, and knew that was the right decision for me.  I was fortunate that the plastic surgeon I went to was accepting of my wishes and did not try to dissuade me, as I have seen many accounts of women receiving push back from their doctors, especially young women. 

Now that I only have the one breast, I am what is referred to in the breast cancer community as a unicorn, and I wear the title proudly.  If I want to, I wear a prosthetic on my right side, but mostly I just go half-flat. 

When I was doing all of my research, I learned about Breast Implant Illness.  This is not really accepted as a thing among doctors, but there are numerous accounts of women who swear that their implants made them sick, and they felt much better when they got them removed.  I related to a lot of the symptoms that these women were describing.  I have felt progressively more unwell throughout the years, and I thought perhaps my implants were to blame, although many of my symptoms did start before my implants.  They certainly worsened greatly since I got them.  Among these symptoms for me were: joint and muscle pain, chronic fatigue, memory and concentration problems, anxiety, depression, headaches, and hair loss.  I was hoping that removing my implants would alleviate these symptoms, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  However, recently I have felt some improvement with some of my symptoms and I think I may finally know what is to blame - iron deficiency.  That is something that I have a lot of thoughts on so I will save that for a separate blog.

Adios for now! <3 nbsp="" p="">
P.S.  I want to mention that I have nothing against breast reconstruction or breast augmentation via breast implants or any other surgery.  I believe everyone should do what they want to their own bodies, and choosing one thing over the other does not make anyone better than anyone else.  However, I do have a problem with the lack of informed consent around breast reconstruction.  I was never presented with the option of going without reconstruction; when I was told I needed a mastectomy, in the same sentence I was told that I would see a plastic surgeon and would have reconstruction and look just like myself again.  Of course, as a 22 year old who was terrified of having to lose a breast, that was an exciting idea for me.  When I talked to the plastic surgeon, I was clear that I was an active person, particularly with swimming, and I was not warned of the affects that having implants placed under the muscle would have on my upper body strength.  I suspect that had I known that my strength would be impacted, and had I been presented staying flat as an option, I may have opted for that initially and saved myself a lot of hassle. 

Random notes on dreams, discernment.

     I went down a rabbit hole this morning on the word "discernment."  I watched two YouTube videos on it.  Apparently, God talks to us in dreams.  I don't know about all that, but maybe.

    I'm at a long table made of wood, kind of dark, possibly stained.  It looks natural.  I see the knots and lines.  There are small, fake plants in white pots.  There is this grand TV screen with pictures of water, boats, Rocks (why did I capitalize that?).

    River rocks.  The dream from the podcast I was listening to yesterday.  She collected river rocks, I'm imagining dark and smooth, flat.  She placed one on each desk as a touchstone to the natural world.  Then, she feared that the building would collapse (these were desks on the top floor of a skyscraper).  This was her dream just before 9/11.

    Wow, right?

    I find dreams so interesting.  I also love the Fleetwood Mac song.  Album?  No, Rumors.  Rumours? I guess it depends.

    Anyway, discernment.  My dream.  "The ability to judge well."  In spiritual contexts is what I'm interested in.  "Perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding."

    There's a lot to be said about discernment.  I wonder why I dreamed that specific word?  It was so prominent.  The girl had a look of discernment.  That part doesn't make sense to me.  I would have described it as a look of peace, contentment.  How does one display a look of discernment?

    Later, I was listening to another podcast and I learned that as a procrastinator, my iconic identity is the Sage and discernment is my superpower.  Way to go, subconscious.  I don't really follow, but perhaps more will be revealed.  Perhaps.