Happy Birthday to ME

Well, today I turn the big 19. Isn't that great?!?

Except, my boyfriend is pissed at me because he feels that I cheated on him and betrayed him. And he is upset that I am not taking what I did as a big deal. Of course, I can't stand when people cheat on their SO's. It's horrible. So why would I do such a thing and feel so nonchalant about it? Well, I don't feel nonchalant because my boyfriend, my love, my life does not, and I would never want to cheat on him or do anything to cause him such sadness. And yet I did... what's going on here?

Mmkay, here's what happened. It's New Years Eve. I'm not much of a drinker, but I was hanging out with my dear friend who I'll call Susie and we decided to have a few drinks. My boyfriend was working all night, so unfortunately I couldn't bring in the new year with him. Anyway, so Susie and I are like best friends, and since it was just her and I together to celebrate 2009, we ended up kissing each other. Just a couple pecks. I thought it was no big deal. I was ashamed that I had drank so much that night, but not so much that I kissed my best friend cuz I thought it was just harmless fun.

Here's the problem - he does NOT see it that way. In the beginning of our relationship we discussed what we considered cheating, and we came to the agreement that kissing someone else was cheating. Silly I thought that that implied kissing someone of the opposite sex, and that it didn't include best friends of the same sex. Another mistake I made was that I didn't tell him about it until tonight, 3 months after the incident. This I do feel very bad for, the reason I didn't tell him sooner was because I was ashamed that I drank after I said I wouldn't again. I know this is a stupid excuse, that there is no excuse for not telling him sooner and for keeping such a secret from him. But I honestly thought that if he was going to get mad, it would be about the drinking, not about the kissing. He is really upset for these reasons: that I kissed a girl, essentially cheating on him from his perspective, that I took so long to tell him about it, and that I don't feel that what I did (kissing a girl) was wrong.

I do not feel that me kissing my friend really counts as cheating on him. If I felt that way even a little bit back when this was going on, I would NOT have done it. I'm unsure of what I should think. I know that we said kissing someone else was cheating. Maybe that's it, and I shouldn't be allowed to have thought there were hidden details in our agreement on what constitutes cheating. I do feel HORRIBLE that what I did has hurt him so much. I do not want him to feel that I am untrustworthy and I want him to know that I will never do anything like that again now that I truly understand how hurtful he feels it is.

I guess I should have known that it would be considered cheating since we said kissing is cheating.

I dunno...

I feel horrible for the whole situation.

Happy birthday to me.