Motherhood changed me, a work in progress.

    I obsessed over the idea of being a mother. For over a decade, I pondered. I watched mothers with young children in the streets. I watched countless YouTube videos on pregnancy and parenting. I’ve worked with children since my teenage years, and I’ve always known that I wanted to be a mother. 

    Nothing could have prepared me for how motherhood would affect me, how it would change me. I love my son more than anything or anyone I’ve ever loved before. This love is powerful, and it brought out my demons that were buried so deep, I didn’t even know they were there. 

    I was not sleeping. I would wake up nearly every morning at 3 AM, anxious about becoming a mother when I was pregnant, and about being a mother when I already was one. Anxious about everything my brain could think of in those middle-of-the-night hours. I was in survival mode, running on pure adrenaline during the day, for I don’t know how long.

 

    Breastfeeding was a journey all its own, one I was nervous about as a woman with only one breast. It was difficult, arduous, but we found our rhythm, my son and me. It was an experience I had to cut short at 6 months, as I was diagnosed with ADHD and felt the need to take medication. And we all know what happened next, those of us who have read my last blog, anyway. 

    I considered saying that motherhood broke me, but I was already broken. I think I knew I was, somewhere deep down. Broken. Now I want to say, motherhood fixed me. That would be erroneous as well, for I am not fixed. I am a work in progress. I got so lost in my role as James’ mom that I found myself at Sierra Vista. I completed Kaiser’s Next Steps program after I was discharged, and I’m continuing therapy and regular psychiatry visits. Now, I’m just trying to take care of myself, and I’m realizing that it doesn’t come as naturally to me as taking care of James does. I would do anything for him, but my cup was so damaged, let alone not filled, that I had to spend a week away from him.

    I’m trying. Trying to honor my soul. Trying to fill my cup. Trying to prioritize myself as much as I can, to do the things that bring me joy and satisfaction. Finding my way back to this blog was monumental in this process, and I plan to continue on this trajectory. Aside from writing, I have other aspirations. I want to get back in shape and get my house in order. I’ve always struggled with having too much stuff, and that became glaringly obvious after having a baby and all of his stuff. I need to declutter, desperately. I’m also trying to carve out an hour in the morning to work out and have some time to myself. I don’t always do it, but when I do, I always feel so good. I’m hoping putting it in writing here will motivate me to do it more.

    Anyway, that’s all for now. Here’s to 2023, the year of me. 

New year, new me.

 11/25/22

I skipped the first page, I’m not entirely sure why.  This is such a mindfuck, my current situation.  I’m writing in this beautiful journal that my husband brought me, with a pen that I hate writing with.  It’s the only pen I can use, only style anyway.  Regular pens are “contraband.”

Am I in prison?  No.  I’m a patient at Sierra Vista Hospital.  It is a locked down facility, and there are cameras everywhere.  For all I know, someone could be watching me while I write.

Anyway, I’m still not entirely sure how I ended up here.  I guess I had a panic attack that escalated, and I was acting out of character? All I remember is having difficulty sleeping, trying to talk to Michael, and suddenly, he was driving us to Kaiser ER.  (Present Michelle adding that he did the right thing by getting me the help I needed, and I thank him for that.)

I’ve gone through such a whirlwind of emotions through all of this.  I have been so confused.  The hours and days all kind of meld together.

When I was still at Kaiser, I got to a point where I thought I must have done something truly horrible.  I don’t want to put it in writing, but basically, I feared the absolute worst.  I’m so glad to know that that did not happen.  As far as I know, my husband and baby are alive and well.

I have so much anger around being stuck in here, away from them.  It is breaking my heart.  Every morning, I’ve been waking up thinking, this is it!  Today must be the day! But alas, it is not.  Seems like the best I can hope for is to go home on Monday.  Today is Friday.  So, looks like home on 11/28 if all goes well?

I just really want to get home ASAP.  I’ve been away from my family for too long.

11/26/22

                Here I am, sometime after 3 PM and before 4.  It is quiet time here at Sierra Vista.  I woke up early this morning, just before 6 AM.  I tried to rest/sleep a little longer, but finally just got up and started my day.

                I’m trying to commit to my life here.  Feels like I’m just going through the motions, but I do see the benefit in it.  In being here.  Kinda… haha.

                I took a full shower this morning, washed my hair and everything.  I had been putting it off, thinking surely, I would be home before I needed to wash my hair.  But, alas, that did not happen.

                I ate breakfast and lunch in the day room.  I went to both groups this morning.  I went outside when it was time, and I talked to a few different people.

                Reaching out and talking to people here is especially difficult for me, because it really does feel like they’re all “in on it.”  Like I’m the main character in this social experiment.  And no matter to whom I try to tell my theory, nothing changes.  So now I’m trying to just acquiesce to my role here, and better myself.  But I already feel great, I just need to see my husband.

              

I’m back, same date.

I feel so frustrated.  I was reading this book, “Illusions” by Richard Bach.  It was a quick read, and it really felt relevant to my current situation.  As soon as I finished it, literally the moment that I closed the book, the on-call doctor wanted to talk to me.  He said I’m doing great, but our conversation was over as soon as I brought up getting discharged.  Because, apparently, nobody else can discharge me but Dr. Lepler.  Not even myself.  So much for the notion that I am my own master, that I am responsible for myself.  Ugh, just so frustrating.

I ate dinner in the small day room, with my roommate and another patient.  I was trying to socialize, but I was having a hard time focusing.

I’m so tired of this.  It still feels like some cruel joke, like a game, and I’m ready for it to be over so I can go home.  I would even drive myself home in the dark if they would let me, that is how ready I am. (I don’t like driving in the dark, it is hard for me to see.)

I wanted to call my brother or Michael, but the phone was tied up.  Maybe it’s free now…

11/27/22

                Humble pie.  That is what I needed, and what I got, being here.  I have lost my in-the-moment vision, but I’m working on it.  Sharpening it.  I have been sooooo caught up in the idea that all I need is my husband, my son, my family.  I NEED them and they NEED me, right?  So, then, why the fuck am I here?

                I’m at a point where I understand the why and how as much as possible without talking face to face with my husband, and I am ok with that.  Because, ultimately, they (the why and how) don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

                The bitter pill that I’ve finally swallowed is the realization that I have been leaning on my husband too much for my own sake.  And most likely, for his sake, too.  But I AM the one who matters more to me, and right now, I need to focus on myself, away from them.  As difficult and as backwards as it seems, I finally realized it as truth.

                It does still feel like I’m stuck in some sort of game.  Like everyone is somehow here for me.  The conversations I hear, and even the movies and shows on the TV, just feel too relevant.  But that can’t be, right?  And, even if it is, I need to just focus on bettering myself.

 

Present Michelle writing now, I transcribed some of the notes from my time at Sierra Vista.  The bolding effect of “everyone is somehow here for me” was added by present me.  Past me meant it as the delusional thought that I was stuck in a simulation but present me is recognizing it as the truth.  I have so many people in my corner, supporting me, I just have a very hard time asking for help when I need it.

I cringe a bit as I read the words from my past self.  I was incredibly confused by my situation, and I was literally delusional.  I belonged there, in a mental hospital, and at the time I did not understand why.  I now understand why, and I would like to enlighten whoever is reading this.

I have multiple mental health diagnoses.  I was diagnosed with ADHD toward the end of last year, and I was prescribed Adderall.  I was also taking Zoloft for depression.  However, what I did not know, was that I don’t have depression, I have bipolar disorder.  Being on Adderall without also being on a mood stabilizer sent me into a manic episode complete with psychosis.  But wait, there’s more!  Another thing I’ve learned since my release from the hospital is that I also have OCD.

I’ve been wanting to share my story, to put myself out there, in the hopes that it can help even one person.  Also, selfishly, I’m doing this for me.  I am not ashamed of my diagnoses, nor of my time in the mental hospital.  I am who I am, and I am proud.  My diagnoses do not define me, but they do shape who I am.  I’m not looking for judgment or pity, I’m just looking for acceptance.  I accept myself enough to know that sharing my story will help me, and that is enough for me.

Peaceful Vegan

              I have been eating 100% vegan for over a week now.  I decided that I wanted to do a “vegan challenge,” and before I even started, I planned to continue the “challenge” indefinitely.  I had been thinking of going vegan for some time now, I just thought that it would be too hard for me.  Once I finally made the connection, and realized how much I did NOT want to contribute to the harming of any animals in any way, it was actually incredibly easy for me to give up eggs and dairy.  I know that a lot of people don’t understand why I would do such a thing.  People wonder how I could be healthy without eating any animal products.  I have my reasons, and I have done a lot of research.  It actually is possible to be completely healthy and thrive on a vegan diet, and I plan to do it.

              This is something that I am incredibly passionate about, even though it is just the beginning.  I consider myself an animal lover and an environmentalist.  I am passionate about recycling, conserving water, not throwing trash on the ground.  I love all living beings.  I finally feel at peace with myself and my beliefs.  I have felt better this past week than I have in a long time.  I have so much energy, and I am just happier.  I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.  Sure, there are TONS of foods that I LOVED to eat before going vegan that I cannot eat now.  I don’t want to eat them anymore.  Anything that contains any animal product, I don’t want to eat.  I don’t want to contribute to the egg or dairy industries.  I don’t want to contribute to animals suffering.

              When I was younger, I didn’t understand why or how someone would go vegan.  I figured being a vegetarian was enough to save the animals.  Giving up all animal products was just extreme.  I’ve finally realized why and how people do it.  And I feel strongly enough about it that I can do it, too.  I thought about going into detail about why I don’t want to support the milk or egg industries anymore, but a quick Google search could probably tell you if you really want to know.  I will say that I think they are cruel and they involve harm to animals.  I’d also like to add that if you’re interested, you should check out the movie Cowspiracy.  It’s on Netflix J

              I do it for the animals, and the people.  I do it for everyone.  I feel at peace. 

overdue update - I got in!

For anyone who doesn't know yet, I finally got into nursing school!  I'm in my 6th week at Sac State, and I love it!  I have learned so much already and had various experiences with patients, including today which was my first time working with an RN in the hospital and taking care of a specific patient.  Other than that I have worked in a Skilled Nursing Facility with a CNA, worked with a Home Health RN in patients' homes, and worked with a CNA in the hospital.  I've also worked in the simulation lab.  I think this is the career for me.

I definitely feel that my past experiences have helped me a lot in this program.  I've had surgeries, I've been in the hospital, I've slept in that hospital bed (and got a horrible night's sleep), I've done the "try to do laps around the nurses station and barely get down the hall a few feet" thing.  I've dealt with horrible nausea and the most intense pain I've ever felt; I've also gotten to feel the relief of the potent Dilaudid, although there were times when the pain seemed unstoppable even with that.  I've experienced a lot of the side effects of surgery and medications that we've learned about.  I've had limited range of motion, being unable to even put on a T-shirt.  I've gone home with drains and had to measure my own output from them.  These experiences have helped when learning about this stuff in school, but they have also helped me relate to the people I am working with.  I have an ability to empathize with them in a way that I don't think is possible without having gone through a similar experience.  Everyone's experience is different, and of course I haven't gone through everything that my patients have gone through, but I can relate on a personal level to a lot of the things I've seen in the hospital.  I'm so grateful for my experiences as a patient, although it was difficult for me at the time.  I am hopeful that they will help me be the best nurse I can be someday.

Okay, that's all for now.  I have a habit of writing these when I actually have things to do.  I got midterms to study for!  Adios amigos :)

Nursing School Round 2

So, as many of you may know, I did not get in to nursing school last fall.  I knew it was competitive (SF State only accepted 20 students!  And only THREE in my concentration!) but I thought I had a shot.. ah well.  I was somewhere around number 8 on the waitlist for SF State, but was ultimately rejected.  Also I was rejected right away from USF, which I thought I had a better chance of getting in to than SF State...

Anyway, I decided to take that experience and do as much as I could to improve my resume, and try again!  Over the summer I took an EMT class, and I attended the USF info session to see exactly how they wanted us to write our personal statements and resumes.  I also retook a class that I had taken at UCSB many years ago (in 2009 I think) and went from a C+ to an A.  The USF spring application is due on October 15, so I am working on improving my personal statement and resume for that.

However, since my first round of applications, I became aware that I can actually apply to Sac State!  I had been scouring their website since the beginning of my nursing school journey, looking to see if they would reinstate their Accelerated Second Bachelor's program, but it was and still is on hiatus.  I only recently became aware that I can apply to the traditional BSN program there as a second bachelor's student!  And since I already have a degree and all the pre-reqs and co-reqs completed, I would go straight into the nursing program.  That would only take me 2 years to complete, as opposed to 4 like I was originally thinking.  This program just makes so much sense for me.  It is so much more affordable than USF, it is in Sacramento (many benefits there, although it would be pretty cool to live in SF -- just really expensive, on top of the crazy expensive tuition), and it is a very well respected program. It has become my top choice this round, although USF is still a great option.

The problem with Sac State is that it is highly impacted, and they go on a point system.  There is no subjectivity, and there are no bonus points for any compelling experience.  No personal statements for them to get an idea of who you are as a person.  They only look at the number of points you have, determined by GPA, TEAS score, and optional points for speaking a foreign language, having healthcare experience, coming from a low income family, and coming from a disadvantaged high school (3 points each).  My GPA for the courses they look at is about 3.65, which sounds high but only translates to 25 points out of 50 possible for GPA.  I also get 6 points for optional criteria (speaking Spanish and having healthcare experience).  That put me at 31 points going in to the TEAS.  The point cutoff last semester was 71 points, and the trend has been that each semester, the point cutoff goes up by 2 points.  This does not necessarily mean that the point cutoff will be 73 this time, but I predict it will be somewhere around there.

I went into the TEAS (Test of Essential Academic Skills) knowing that I had to score high to bring my points up.  I took it for the first time on the 25th, and I scored 93.3%.  This is a very high score, 99th percentile, but unfortunately only corresponds to 37 points out of 50 for that section.  That put me at 68 points, not high enough for me to feel good about my application.  Although, there is no guarantee, and it is possible that I would have gotten in with 68 points.  However, I saw that there was an opening to sign up to take it again on the 29th, and if I were to score higher, Sac State would only look at the highest score.  So, I did it, and I got a 96% the second time!  That score gave me 43 points, so that plus my original 31 gives me 74 points on my application.  Yay!

The application for Sac State is due tomorrow, October 1.  I turned it in today, hand delivered it to make sure that they got it.  Now, I am anxiously waiting to hear back.  I reallllly hope that the trend continues and that I get in, because I would really love to start nursing school there in the spring.

I am still applying to USF as well, that is a great school and the more applications the better.  SF State does not accept entry level masters applications in the spring, but I may apply to their Bachelors program, which doesn't open until mid-October for next fall.  However, my top choice at this point is Sac State.  Fingers crossed that I get in!

It is crazy, because at the beginning of my time at UCSB I was seriously considering transferring to Sac State to try to get in to their nursing program.  However, at the time it would have been for all the wrong reasons.  I was having a rough time at UCSB, but transferring was not the right thing to do at the time.  I am really glad that I ended up staying there, because my life would definitely not have gone the way it has.  I built friendships there that I still cherish, and I had a great time there despite my rough first year.  I also have met people since then that I would not have met if I had transferred.  If I end up going to Sac State, it feels like I took the long road, but the journey was much more rewarding.  That sounds so cheesy, but it's true.

Well, that's all for now.  This blog has kind of transitioned away from my whole breast cancer thing and back to just being about things going on in my life, but maybe people will still read it :)  October is breast cancer awareness month though, and I am excited to wear the pink ribbon pashmina that Jeffrey got me for Christmas last year.  There's something breast cancer related!  I hope you all wear pink at least once this month!  Hehe.  I also just remembered the pink ribbon jacket that Chris and Zahra got me for my birthday, I'm looking forward to wearing that too as the weather gets cooler.  Yay fall!

Okay adios amigos :)

quick post - nursing is on my mind

I don't know why I had the sudden urge to post a blog, since my head is pounding from this annoying cold and I should really just go to bed.  But I have been working on my SF State nursing application and I feel the need to share my excitement/exhaustion.

Whew, this application process is a long one!  I have to apply to the university and also apply separately to the nursing program.  Both of the applications require many of the same things, such as test scores and transcripts, so I have been working on getting that all settled.  I took the GRE and scored well (in my opinion), except that my writing score was not as high as I was expecting or as high as I would have liked.  So I am retaking it on the 15th, with hopes of increasing the writing score without a drop in the other scores.  However, the nursing program that I'm applying to only really looks at writing, so it seems that if I don't score as high in the other categories it won't really matter.

I just wrote out two long and thought out emails to previous professors asking them to write a letter of recommendation for me.  I hope that they say yes and that I gave them enough time to write them (the application is due Feb 1!!!  Where has the time gone?).  Other than that I'm almost done with everything.  Transcripts are being sent to the university and the nursing program (so twice per transcript x 3 transcripts x about 15 bucks per transcript = nothing compared to the total price of applying to grad school... sigh, I really really hope I get in).

In other news, things are going pretty well.  Life is good.  I am happy to officially be done with pre-reqs (at least for the SF State program.. let's pray that I get in and won't have to deal with the possibility of having to apply elsewhere and possibly having to take an interpersonal communication class).  I am happy that it has been over a year since my mastectomy and that I feel pretty much back to normal.  I am scared at how fast time seems to be going by, but I am excited to see what 2014 brings.  Oh and random but I got the polar ft 60 heart rate monitor for Christmas (ahem, thanks Santa-Mom!) and it has really been forcing me to stay on track with exercising.  I even went to the gym yesterday despite just wanting to sleep and be lazy, and I definitely would not have gone if it had not been for my desire to get my stars and trophy for doing a good job for the week.  If you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about.  Otherwise I'm probably making no sense.

Okay my head is about to explode, so I'm going to turn on Friends and go to sleep.  Adios amigos!

Long time no see!

Hey everyone!  Sorry I've been neglecting this blog, I almost wrote an update a few months ago but then I felt like I didn't really have anything new to say since I stopped having to go to appointments and stuff.  But since it's been a while I thought I would post an update on my life.

So, it has been over a year since my diagnosis with Fibromatosis.  I cannot believe how fast time has gone by.  Since then I've had 3 surgeries and about a zillion doctors appointments, but now things are all settled down in the breast department.  I do have some comments on life since mastectomy and reconstruction:

I am very pleased with how everything looks.  It looks and feels better and much closer to natural than I thought possible.  That is not to say that the "foob" looks natural by any means, it really doesn't, but in clothes or even a bathing suit I don't think anyone can tell a difference, so that's cool.  I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do now, if anything.  Nipple reconstruction?  Nipple tattoo?  Artistic tattoo (maybe of a pretty flower or something)?  Nothing?  I really don't know.  My scars are still very noticeable, and I don't know if they're ever going to fade.  Unfortunately I really don't scar well.  It might be nice to have a badass tattoo instead of a big scar across the chest.  But, who knows.  I have forever to make up my mind, because I could also just leave it like this and it would be fine.  Decisions decisions.  For those thinking a big tattoo would hurt, it really wouldn't, since I have no sensation in that area.  So that's a bonus :)

Aside from the looks, I have noticed a big change that kind of bothers me.  Since the reconstruction left me with no breast tissue on the right side and a pec muscle that's not the same as it used to be, with an implant underneath, I feel a lot weaker in terms of upper body strength.  I used to be able to do at least a few pull-ups at any given time, and now I can't even do one without pain.  I used to be able to do at least 20 push-ups at a time, and now I struggle with 10.  I can barely lift the 6 or 7 pound weights that are lying around the house.  I even struggle with the 3 pounders I bought sometimes when I'm doing my Jillian Michaels workout DVD, but I just imagine it's because that DVD itself is surprisingly hard.  In terms of everyday strength, it's not something that really limits me.  Mostly when I'm exercising is when I notice it.  This is not something that I was aware would happen before my surgery, but after consulting with the breast cancer forum I have found that this is a common side effect of implant reconstruction.  I wish I had known about that before my surgery.  I'm not saying I would have changed my reconstruction method, but it would have gone into consideration.  Of all the different forms of reconstruction, what I did was probably the easiest, with the quickest recovery and the least amount of scars, which is all good.  So, I probably still would have chosen it.  Overall I'm happy with the results, but that's just something I noticed.

You all may or may not know, but I'm someone who is more at risk for skin cancer than most.  I have annual dermatology appointments, I don't even know how many moles I've had removed (okay that makes it sound like a lot, so let me count.  I think 6 over the years.)  I've had two of those moles re-excised.  One of the re-excisions happened recently.  I'm already losing track of time, I think it was like in August or something.  I don't remember when exactly, but I went in for my yearly dermatology appointment and I ended up having two moles removed.  Both were atypical, but the one on my ankle was atypical enough to need a re-excision.  So, they went back in and took the surrounding area and made sure there were no atypical cells in the margins.  Atypical does not mean cancerous, and it's not really something to worry about, but from what I understand, an atypical cell is a changing cell that may or may not become cancerous if left where it is.  So that's why they had to go back in and make sure the margins were clear.  Which, they were, no skin cancer for me.  Yay.  Thanks to my mom and my sweet Cesar for going to the re-excision with me.

Now I'm taking my hopefully last pre-req, the survey of chemistry class.  Since I have a lot of background in chemistry, it's not super overwhelming, but it is a hard class.  Especially since I really didn't feel like I knew anything about ochem after taking the two ochem classes at UCSB.  I don't even know how I passed those classes, the material was so hard for me.  This time it is a lot easier to grasp and I feel like I really understand organic chemistry, which is probably important for nursing school.  SF State apps are due in February, I'm planning on applying there and then maybe Samuel Merritt even though it is so expensive.  I hope I get into SF State, even though it would be nice to be able to stay in Sac.  SF State has a good program and it's only 6 semesters instead of like 10 or something for Samuel Merritt.  Still figuring it all out, but I'm really excited for nursing school and to be a nurse someday.

I applied for a job last week as a van driver.  I would drive people to their doctors appointments.  It has something to do with the medical field, so that's good.  I had a really good feeling about it when I applied, but I haven't heard from them yet.  I'm trying to be patient.  Aside from that I've been tutoring pretty regularly.  I tutor a 5th grader in math twice a week, and I'm going to start tutoring a high schooler in Algebra 2 once a week starting tomorrow.  I'm actually really excited about it, I was reviewing my algebra 2 to make sure I still know how to do it and it was so much fun graphing and factoring and all that good stuff.  So that should be fun, and it's nice to have some income every week.

Okay that's all for now.  Adios amigos.