Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been updating!
I had my last drain removed and my second expansion a while ago now, I already forget when it was. I have it written down somewhere I think but I'm too lazy to look. My mom couldn't come with me to that appointment, but I was lucky to have my friends Marissa and Vi go with me instead. The drain removal/second expansion appointment was only a couple days after my first expansion, so my Plastic Surgeon was only able to get in 25 cc, bringing me up to 125.
Yesterday I had my third expansion with another 50 cc, so now I'm at 175! Yay! About halfway there or so. I won't be able to have my exchange surgery until after classes are over, though, because my PS said I'll have to take 2 weeks off for recovery. I was hoping it would be more like my lumpectomy where I could bounce back a couple of days later, but sadly no. Also, the Plastic Surgery/Cosmetic Dermatology department moved to a different area, and I got a little confused trying to find it since there were no signs anywhere, but I found it eventually. It's nice, the rooms are a lot bigger, so the next time I bring an entourage with me to an appointment there will be enough room for everyone.
After my expansion yesterday, I really noticed how much heavier that side is starting to feel. Also I've been having really bad upper back pain all day today, and I think it might have to do with the expander. I really hope that it doesn't get worse the more it gets filled because it's pretty uncomfortable and inconvenient. I took a Motrin but that didn't really help, although it did help a little. It may be about time to take another one.
In other news, the past week has been eventful. I had a great time last weekend wine tasting with my mom and our friend Michele in Sonoma, and school started this week. Originally I wanted to take an EMT class and a couple of other nursing pre-reqs, because being an EMT would be a great way to get some clinical experience (especially since it's virtually impossible to volunteer at a hospital and part of the class involves 72 hours of actual ER/Ambulance work), but I realized that would be too much for me right now. They recommend taking the EMT class with no other classes because it is so intensive. I think I might have been okay, but also the physical demands were worrisome to me. We were going to be doing a lot of lifting in that class - as in, lifting other people - and I'm still not really supposed to lift more than 5 pounds. (I even had to ask someone to carry my microscope to my desk for me in lab today, haha!) I also got into the second part of the Anatomy and Physiology series I have to take, and I wanted to take them back to back, so I ended up dropping the EMT class for now. Instead I'm taking A&P II, Microbio, and Psychology. Three more pre-reqs down, and hopefully I can take the EMT class next semester; it seemed really fun.
Being back in the relatively normal world has been good, but it is reminding me that I am still recovering. Having class every day has been draining more of my energy than I thought it would (possibly because of trouble sleeping with this beloved expander of mine), and having to ask people around me for help with seemingly little things is hard for my stubborn nature. I'm trying to learn to carry my backpack on my left shoulder like my Breast Surgeon suggested, but my instinct is to carry it with the right, and the weight of that does feel like too much after a while. To compensate I have been making sure to wear both straps so the weight is evenly distributed, but I think I might have to invest in a shoulder bag and force myself to wear it on the left side. We shall see.
Okay that's all for now. Adios amigos.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Had my first expansion!
Yesterday I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon, and I almost tried to postpone it since I knew my drain wouldn't be removed. It wasn't, because it was still over 30 ml every 24 hours, but I did have my first expansion! That was unexpected, I didn't think that process was going to start until after my drain was removed. I was a little scared, especially when he said the needle would go through the muscle and that hurts for some patients. I was lucky, though, because for me it didn't hurt at all. I did feel it go through the muscle, but it wasn't painful. I could feel myself stretch as he put in saline, but it wasn't too uncomfortable. I was a little sore for the rest of the day, but nothing unbearable.
This morning when I woke up I was in more pain than usual, but it got better after I took a Motrin. I think it was because my muscle is still getting used to accommodating a bigger implant. He put in 50 cc when he placed the tissue expander after my mastectomy, and he put in 50 cc yesterday, so now I'm up to 100! [Side note, apparently 1 cc = 1 ml. I learned that today, or maybe yesterday.] Still smaller than the other side, but that's okay. The expander looks pretty ridiculous, but it'll start to look better the more it gets filled. I've heard everything is a lot better after the exchange surgery - much more comfortable and aesthetically pleasing. I'm looking forward to that.
Yesterday morning (around 5am) I woke up in excruciating pain. It was so weird, I had been feeling very little pain lately and had been off the narcotics for about a week. It felt almost as bad as it did right after my surgery. I checked to make sure everything looked okay, and it did. I guess it was just because I had gone on and on about how good I felt that my body decided to remind me that I did just have a major surgery. I was able to get myself up and I took two of my pain pills, and finally I was able to fall back asleep. Thankfully that pain hasn't returned.
Earlier today I started feeling pretty nauseous, I'm not sure what that was about. I took a Zofran (anti-nausea pill) and took a nap and felt a lot better when I woke up. I went out to dinner with Chris and Zahra, that was nice. Now I'm being good and resting :) My drain outputs have been a lot lower, I think I might even be able to have my drain removed tomorrow! We shall see.
I know that I have basically no sensation in my right breast, but today I finally made the realization that I can't feel temperature changes. My hands were freezing and I touched it and couldn't feel it at all. It's such a bizarre feeling (err, lack thereof, lol.) It's kind of cool in a way.
I feel like there was something else I wanted to say, but I forget what it was. I don't think this is what it was, but also, I got in trouble for not consistently taking my antibiotics 4x a day like I'm supposed to. I do sometimes, but other times I had been taking it 3x a day. I figured as long as I finished the whole bottle (60 pills!) eventually that it would be okay. Of course not, I should have known there is a reason for prescribing the dosage that they do. Silly me. So now I have to take another week's worth of antibiotics on top of the rest of the first bottle that I have to finish. That's 28 extra pills! I'm being diligent now, I don't want to get in trouble again and I don't want to get an infection from this drain. That would suck.
Also, I realized that I never followed up on here about the biopsy I had on my left breast before my mastectomy. I know I posted it on Facebook, and so did my mom, so most of you already know, but in case you missed it: that turned out to be a Fibroadenoma as suspected. So, completely benign, it doesn't have to be removed or anything. Yay :)
Okay, that's all for now. Whenever I put a heart on here it posts with all this weird stuff behind it, but oh well. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
This morning when I woke up I was in more pain than usual, but it got better after I took a Motrin. I think it was because my muscle is still getting used to accommodating a bigger implant. He put in 50 cc when he placed the tissue expander after my mastectomy, and he put in 50 cc yesterday, so now I'm up to 100! [Side note, apparently 1 cc = 1 ml. I learned that today, or maybe yesterday.] Still smaller than the other side, but that's okay. The expander looks pretty ridiculous, but it'll start to look better the more it gets filled. I've heard everything is a lot better after the exchange surgery - much more comfortable and aesthetically pleasing. I'm looking forward to that.
Yesterday morning (around 5am) I woke up in excruciating pain. It was so weird, I had been feeling very little pain lately and had been off the narcotics for about a week. It felt almost as bad as it did right after my surgery. I checked to make sure everything looked okay, and it did. I guess it was just because I had gone on and on about how good I felt that my body decided to remind me that I did just have a major surgery. I was able to get myself up and I took two of my pain pills, and finally I was able to fall back asleep. Thankfully that pain hasn't returned.
Earlier today I started feeling pretty nauseous, I'm not sure what that was about. I took a Zofran (anti-nausea pill) and took a nap and felt a lot better when I woke up. I went out to dinner with Chris and Zahra, that was nice. Now I'm being good and resting :) My drain outputs have been a lot lower, I think I might even be able to have my drain removed tomorrow! We shall see.
I know that I have basically no sensation in my right breast, but today I finally made the realization that I can't feel temperature changes. My hands were freezing and I touched it and couldn't feel it at all. It's such a bizarre feeling (err, lack thereof, lol.) It's kind of cool in a way.
I feel like there was something else I wanted to say, but I forget what it was. I don't think this is what it was, but also, I got in trouble for not consistently taking my antibiotics 4x a day like I'm supposed to. I do sometimes, but other times I had been taking it 3x a day. I figured as long as I finished the whole bottle (60 pills!) eventually that it would be okay. Of course not, I should have known there is a reason for prescribing the dosage that they do. Silly me. So now I have to take another week's worth of antibiotics on top of the rest of the first bottle that I have to finish. That's 28 extra pills! I'm being diligent now, I don't want to get in trouble again and I don't want to get an infection from this drain. That would suck.
Also, I realized that I never followed up on here about the biopsy I had on my left breast before my mastectomy. I know I posted it on Facebook, and so did my mom, so most of you already know, but in case you missed it: that turned out to be a Fibroadenoma as suspected. So, completely benign, it doesn't have to be removed or anything. Yay :)
Okay, that's all for now. Whenever I put a heart on here it posts with all this weird stuff behind it, but oh well. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
drains are annoying
I'll tell you, one drain is a lot better than two. Having no drains is what would be ideal. I have an appointment tomorrow with my plastic surgeon, but he said he wants to keep the drain in until it is producing less than 30 ml every 24 hours. Unfortunately, I'm still a little bit over 30, so I have a sad feeling that I won't have my drain removed tomorrow. We shall see. It's not that big of a deal, but the drain is starting to get uncomfortable and it's slightly annoying to always have it there.
I am feeling a lot better, sometimes it seems remarkable that my surgery was only a week and a half ago. I was supposed to be practically on bed rest for the first two weeks, but I have been pretty active lately. I went out to dinner with Justin and Marissa tonight, I'm pretty sure Dr. Lin would have killed me if he saw me. Justin and I went to see Les Mis on Sunday, and my mom and I went to see This is 40 yesterday. This is probably why my drain output has been higher than I would like it to be. Lisa warned me of this, she said it would be frustrating because I would start to feel better and want to do things but would be unable to. At the time I thought, "nah, I don't think I'll have a problem being lazy and sitting on the couch for two weeks." She was right though, and I haven't been sitting around as much as I should. I'm afraid Dr. Lin will tell me to stop being so active - and I was going to ask him if I could start working out anytime soon. I have a feeling that's going to be a no.
Right now I'm in my red silk jammies that my mom got me for Christmas, and I feel pretty sharp. Having all these button up tops has been immensely helpful (thanks Mom, Mom-mom, and Donna for my Christmas presents). I thought by now I would be able to lift my arms enough to put on a tee shirt, but I was wrong. I learned that the hard way earlier today when I tried and failed. I still can't lift my right arm much higher than shoulder height, so I don't know why I thought that was going to end well for me. I'm getting a little too ambitious.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll let you all know how my appointment goes tomorrow, fingers crossed that I'll have my drain removed.
I am feeling a lot better, sometimes it seems remarkable that my surgery was only a week and a half ago. I was supposed to be practically on bed rest for the first two weeks, but I have been pretty active lately. I went out to dinner with Justin and Marissa tonight, I'm pretty sure Dr. Lin would have killed me if he saw me. Justin and I went to see Les Mis on Sunday, and my mom and I went to see This is 40 yesterday. This is probably why my drain output has been higher than I would like it to be. Lisa warned me of this, she said it would be frustrating because I would start to feel better and want to do things but would be unable to. At the time I thought, "nah, I don't think I'll have a problem being lazy and sitting on the couch for two weeks." She was right though, and I haven't been sitting around as much as I should. I'm afraid Dr. Lin will tell me to stop being so active - and I was going to ask him if I could start working out anytime soon. I have a feeling that's going to be a no.
Right now I'm in my red silk jammies that my mom got me for Christmas, and I feel pretty sharp. Having all these button up tops has been immensely helpful (thanks Mom, Mom-mom, and Donna for my Christmas presents). I thought by now I would be able to lift my arms enough to put on a tee shirt, but I was wrong. I learned that the hard way earlier today when I tried and failed. I still can't lift my right arm much higher than shoulder height, so I don't know why I thought that was going to end well for me. I'm getting a little too ambitious.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll let you all know how my appointment goes tomorrow, fingers crossed that I'll have my drain removed.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year!
It's 2013! Which everyone knows, but still. I haven't made any resolutions yet, maybe I'll get on that. Haha.
So it's been 5 days since my surgery, and I'm feeling pretty good. I've been really fortunate to have Justin here to take care of me. He had to leave today :( but my family has been great too. I've been getting lots of visitors which is nice, it's good to have interaction with the real world. For the most part I've been sleeping/lying on the couch.
The first part of my recovery was really hard, but it's been getting better every day. When I woke up from my surgery I was really nauseous and uncomfortable. It was nothing like when I woke up from my lumpectomy. I was also really really thirsty, I kept asking for water but they told me it would make my nausea worse, and gave me ice chips instead. I wanted to see my family, but they told me I had to wait until I could be moved to my room, and that couldn't be done until they finished cleaning the room. (Seemed weird to me, but I was really out of it so I just went along with it.) I later found out that they told my parents that I couldn't be moved because I was too nauseous, and that they couldn't come see me for that reason. That doesn't make sense, but it's okay, I finally got to see them after my ~hour in recovery. As they were wheeling me to the elevator to go up to my room, I saw my Mom standing in the hallway waiting for me. I was so happy to see her! [Side note, I can feel my last pain pill really starting to kick in, so sorry if the rest of this blog isn't very eloquently written.] Then after we got to my room, I saw my Dad, Jeffrey, Justin, and my snooksipoo Marissa! At some point Chris and Zahra came and brought me flowers. Justin stayed overnight with me, and even though I was in a double room with no other patient, they didn't let him sleep in the other bed. The nurse said he had to leave it open in case someone else was admitted (and of course no one was, I was in the emptier section of the hospital). They also didn't let him sleep in the same bed with me. Poor guy ended up sleeping on the floor :( It was a rough night, the nausea was really worse than the pain. The next morning was better, I finally got upgraded to eating solid food and had eggs and potatoes (taters) for breakfast.
Later that morning I got discharged from the hospital and finally got to go home. There have been a few rough patches - almost passing out, fevers, more nausea, stuff like that - but like I said, better every day.
Yesterday I finally got my hair washed and dried by the lovely Tina; she opened the salon just for me. After that, I went and got one of my 2 drains removed. That little trip was my first big outing since my return from the hospital, and it was exhausting! I was starting to get pretty tired while sitting in the chair getting my hair done, and by the time I was in the waiting room at Kaiser I was falling asleep next to my mom.
Today has been my best day so far, I've been awake all day and haven't been in too much pain. I am about ready to close my eyes and rest for a little bit, so that's all for now. Happy New Year everyone! <3 p="p">
So it's been 5 days since my surgery, and I'm feeling pretty good. I've been really fortunate to have Justin here to take care of me. He had to leave today :( but my family has been great too. I've been getting lots of visitors which is nice, it's good to have interaction with the real world. For the most part I've been sleeping/lying on the couch.
The first part of my recovery was really hard, but it's been getting better every day. When I woke up from my surgery I was really nauseous and uncomfortable. It was nothing like when I woke up from my lumpectomy. I was also really really thirsty, I kept asking for water but they told me it would make my nausea worse, and gave me ice chips instead. I wanted to see my family, but they told me I had to wait until I could be moved to my room, and that couldn't be done until they finished cleaning the room. (Seemed weird to me, but I was really out of it so I just went along with it.) I later found out that they told my parents that I couldn't be moved because I was too nauseous, and that they couldn't come see me for that reason. That doesn't make sense, but it's okay, I finally got to see them after my ~hour in recovery. As they were wheeling me to the elevator to go up to my room, I saw my Mom standing in the hallway waiting for me. I was so happy to see her! [Side note, I can feel my last pain pill really starting to kick in, so sorry if the rest of this blog isn't very eloquently written.] Then after we got to my room, I saw my Dad, Jeffrey, Justin, and my snooksipoo Marissa! At some point Chris and Zahra came and brought me flowers. Justin stayed overnight with me, and even though I was in a double room with no other patient, they didn't let him sleep in the other bed. The nurse said he had to leave it open in case someone else was admitted (and of course no one was, I was in the emptier section of the hospital). They also didn't let him sleep in the same bed with me. Poor guy ended up sleeping on the floor :( It was a rough night, the nausea was really worse than the pain. The next morning was better, I finally got upgraded to eating solid food and had eggs and potatoes (taters) for breakfast.
Later that morning I got discharged from the hospital and finally got to go home. There have been a few rough patches - almost passing out, fevers, more nausea, stuff like that - but like I said, better every day.
Yesterday I finally got my hair washed and dried by the lovely Tina; she opened the salon just for me. After that, I went and got one of my 2 drains removed. That little trip was my first big outing since my return from the hospital, and it was exhausting! I was starting to get pretty tired while sitting in the chair getting my hair done, and by the time I was in the waiting room at Kaiser I was falling asleep next to my mom.
Today has been my best day so far, I've been awake all day and haven't been in too much pain. I am about ready to close my eyes and rest for a little bit, so that's all for now. Happy New Year everyone! <3 p="p">
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
things are about to get real
School is finally over for the semester! I finished my finals today, and now I can just relax. Except not really. I still have to finish Christmas shopping, I have two doctors appointments this week, and I have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for my mastectomy.
I watched a web-series on YouTube about a girl named Claudia. I came across it a long time ago when I was looking for videos about mastectomies, so I could get an idea of what the recovery process would be like. She is a girl about my age with a genetic mutation called BRCA 1, which gave her an ~85% risk of developing breast cancer. In order to defy those odds, she underwent a preventative bilateral mastectomy and documented her journey. In one of her videos, she met up with the founder of the Keep-A-Breast foundation and had her torso made into a cast. This way, she will always remember her natural form.
I loved this idea! Of course there are pictures, but the idea of having a tangible representation of my body forever before I permanently change the way my chest looks was so comforting to me. I looked up the Keep-A-Breast foundation and saw that I could apply for their Treasured Chest program. I wasn't sure how that would work, since they are based in LA. I didn't think I would have time to go all the way there to have a breast cast made before my surgery, but I submitted an application to see what would happen. I got an email shortly after telling me that I would be receiving my DIY casting kit very soon. That made so much more sense, and they were right, only a couple of days later I got a package in the mail. It looked just like a Treasure Chest, and inside were all kinds of goodies, including plaster strips and an instructional DVD on how to make a breast cast. It looks like a fun and slightly messy project, hopefully my mom and I can figure it out. Then once I make it, I can decorate it. Or maybe I can have someone decorate it for me - I'm still trying to decide. I'm also still trying to decide how I want to decorate it, what kind of tone I want it to convey, etc. I'm really looking forward to making my cast and seeing how it turns out.
I cannot believe my mastectomy is in 9 days (I guess 8 now, since it's after midnight). The closer it gets, the more real it gets. The more real it gets, the harder it is to stay complacent about it. Some people have had the pleasure of witnessing me burst into tears for seemingly no reason. I'm really scared. Of what exactly, I'm not sure. I know everything will be fine, but I don't know that there won't be any complications. I don't know for sure how it will turn out. I don't know how painful the recovery is going to be, or the expansion process, or the removal of the surgical drains. Or maybe I'm more scared of what I do know - that I won't have any sensation in my right breast. That it won't really be a breast anymore. That I won't have a nipple there. One thing that is really helping me with all of this is that I'll still have the left side. And, I will still be me at the end of this long journey. If anything, I'll be even stronger and more self-aware because of it. My physical appearance will change slightly, hopefully for the better, but it won't change who I am. So really, I don't have all that much to be afraid of, especially because of the amazing support system I have. I appreciate you all so so so much. And I appreciate being able to vent my feelings on here. It's nice just to have people to listen to me, and it's nice to have the whole internet listen to me, lol. I do not know what I would do without you guys, the people who have been there for me in more ways than I could list. The people who have given me courage and positive thoughts. The people who have listened to my fears and let me feel the way that I feel. Thank you all.
I have an appointment tomorrow for another ultrasound. I asked my breast surgeon about getting one to make sure that there isn't anything to worry about in my left breast before they do the mastectomy. I also want to get an ultrasound of my abdominal area, since Fibromatosis usually shows up there, and the only reason I knew to get my breast checked out was because of the physical change that I saw. I didn't see or feel a "lump," so how would I know that there's not anything in my stomach or my other breast? I'm sure there's not, but I'm relieved that it's going to be verified.
On Thursday, I have another appointment - my pre-op appointment. Then a week later I'll be going in for my surgery. I can't believe it's almost here. Lisa, my neighbor, gave me a CD to listen to that she listened to before, during, and after her surgery. I've listened to the first few tracks a few times - the last couple are for after the surgery. I'm going to ask if I can listen to it during my surgery, which I'm sure I'll be able to, since Lisa and I have the same surgeons. It's very calming to listen to, the first few times I listened to it I fell asleep before I could finish it. They recommend not listening to it while driving, and I can understand why. Listening to it has been helping me prepare myself, especially when I'm feeling extra anxious.
Okay, that's all for now. I need to go to sleep, heading to Kaiser in the morning. Nighty night.
*Edit: 12/20 - Of course, they found something in my left breast at my ultrasound appointment yesterday. It's probably something called Fibroadenoma according to the radiologist, which is no big deal. I had it biopsied today just to make sure that it's nothing, and I should find out the results of that tomorrow or Monday.
I hope it's tomorrow, I HATE the waiting process.
I watched a web-series on YouTube about a girl named Claudia. I came across it a long time ago when I was looking for videos about mastectomies, so I could get an idea of what the recovery process would be like. She is a girl about my age with a genetic mutation called BRCA 1, which gave her an ~85% risk of developing breast cancer. In order to defy those odds, she underwent a preventative bilateral mastectomy and documented her journey. In one of her videos, she met up with the founder of the Keep-A-Breast foundation and had her torso made into a cast. This way, she will always remember her natural form.
I loved this idea! Of course there are pictures, but the idea of having a tangible representation of my body forever before I permanently change the way my chest looks was so comforting to me. I looked up the Keep-A-Breast foundation and saw that I could apply for their Treasured Chest program. I wasn't sure how that would work, since they are based in LA. I didn't think I would have time to go all the way there to have a breast cast made before my surgery, but I submitted an application to see what would happen. I got an email shortly after telling me that I would be receiving my DIY casting kit very soon. That made so much more sense, and they were right, only a couple of days later I got a package in the mail. It looked just like a Treasure Chest, and inside were all kinds of goodies, including plaster strips and an instructional DVD on how to make a breast cast. It looks like a fun and slightly messy project, hopefully my mom and I can figure it out. Then once I make it, I can decorate it. Or maybe I can have someone decorate it for me - I'm still trying to decide. I'm also still trying to decide how I want to decorate it, what kind of tone I want it to convey, etc. I'm really looking forward to making my cast and seeing how it turns out.
I cannot believe my mastectomy is in 9 days (I guess 8 now, since it's after midnight). The closer it gets, the more real it gets. The more real it gets, the harder it is to stay complacent about it. Some people have had the pleasure of witnessing me burst into tears for seemingly no reason. I'm really scared. Of what exactly, I'm not sure. I know everything will be fine, but I don't know that there won't be any complications. I don't know for sure how it will turn out. I don't know how painful the recovery is going to be, or the expansion process, or the removal of the surgical drains. Or maybe I'm more scared of what I do know - that I won't have any sensation in my right breast. That it won't really be a breast anymore. That I won't have a nipple there. One thing that is really helping me with all of this is that I'll still have the left side. And, I will still be me at the end of this long journey. If anything, I'll be even stronger and more self-aware because of it. My physical appearance will change slightly, hopefully for the better, but it won't change who I am. So really, I don't have all that much to be afraid of, especially because of the amazing support system I have. I appreciate you all so so so much. And I appreciate being able to vent my feelings on here. It's nice just to have people to listen to me, and it's nice to have the whole internet listen to me, lol. I do not know what I would do without you guys, the people who have been there for me in more ways than I could list. The people who have given me courage and positive thoughts. The people who have listened to my fears and let me feel the way that I feel. Thank you all.
I have an appointment tomorrow for another ultrasound. I asked my breast surgeon about getting one to make sure that there isn't anything to worry about in my left breast before they do the mastectomy. I also want to get an ultrasound of my abdominal area, since Fibromatosis usually shows up there, and the only reason I knew to get my breast checked out was because of the physical change that I saw. I didn't see or feel a "lump," so how would I know that there's not anything in my stomach or my other breast? I'm sure there's not, but I'm relieved that it's going to be verified.
On Thursday, I have another appointment - my pre-op appointment. Then a week later I'll be going in for my surgery. I can't believe it's almost here. Lisa, my neighbor, gave me a CD to listen to that she listened to before, during, and after her surgery. I've listened to the first few tracks a few times - the last couple are for after the surgery. I'm going to ask if I can listen to it during my surgery, which I'm sure I'll be able to, since Lisa and I have the same surgeons. It's very calming to listen to, the first few times I listened to it I fell asleep before I could finish it. They recommend not listening to it while driving, and I can understand why. Listening to it has been helping me prepare myself, especially when I'm feeling extra anxious.
Okay, that's all for now. I need to go to sleep, heading to Kaiser in the morning. Nighty night.
*Edit: 12/20 - Of course, they found something in my left breast at my ultrasound appointment yesterday. It's probably something called Fibroadenoma according to the radiologist, which is no big deal. I had it biopsied today just to make sure that it's nothing, and I should find out the results of that tomorrow or Monday.
I hope it's tomorrow, I HATE the waiting process.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Silicone vs. Saline and other thoughts
Hey everyone! I thought I'd give another update for those who are interested.
If you don't already know/haven't seen my previous posts, I have Fibromatosis. It is, as I'm calling it for now, a very rare form of breast cancer with some benign qualities and some malignant qualities. I had a lumpectomy to remove the tumor, but the margins weren't clear, so I'm going back in for a mastectomy on December 27.
I met with my Plastic Surgeon again today, and we had a longer (hour long) consultation discussing options, looking at pictures, etc. He also pulled out a loose stitch from my lumpectomy -- OUCH! But besides that one thing, the appointment went very well. I'm still not really sure exactly what I'm going to do, but I still have a lot of time to figure that out. Even after my mastectomy and tissue expander placement on the 27th, I'll have about 3-4 months or so before my exchange surgery. So questions like silicone vs. saline and how big of an implant I'm gonna get have time to be answered. I'm also not sure if I want to try to do nipple reconstruction or not, but that has time to be decided as well.
I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. Shout-out to my Mommy, Lisa, Nicole, and Justin, who have all been soooo supportive and helpful through this whole thing. All of my friends and family have been great. My mom has been with me to every appointment since the very beginning and took care of me when I was recovering from my first surgery. Lisa has been my mentor, she went through the same process as me with the same surgeons and everything. She has accompanied me to both of my consults with the Plastic Surgeon, and she has been a great resource for me. Not only that, but she's very caring and it's really nice to have someone to talk to who knows exactly what I'm going through. Nicole is great, I can call her any time I need to vent or just be sad and she's always there for me. She even wants to go with me when I get my tattoo on my breast - and she wants to get one too. That's why she's my boo for life. And Justin - I am so blessed to have him in my life. He has been so great to me, he's going to be with me for my surgery and the first part of my recovery. He's been there for me since the beginning, sticking by me and supporting me. The timing for meeting him is kinda bad, since he met me right when this was all starting and now he has to deal with it too, but also SO good for me, since I have him to support me and comfort me.
I am also privileged to be so well cared for by my doctors and nurses. I feel like they all really care about me, they have all been very compassionate, helpful, and supportive. I really like all of them. I loved the nurse I had before my lumpectomy, she liked me so much that she found me when I was in recovery even though I had a different nurse - just to check up on me. I'm thinking about requesting her to be my nurse for my mastectomy too, if that's possible.
Finally, I have to thank the wonderful ladies of Breastcancer.org - they have all been amazing. They are all so strong and brave, and having them to talk to has been immensely beneficial for me.
Having all of these people around me has really made this whole process a lot easier.
To be honest, I am starting to get scared. Mostly what I'm scared of is the impending freak-out that is bound to happen. I have had a few freak-outs, but for the most part I have been handling myself pretty well through all of this. I just know that at some point, as my surgery gets closer, it's all really going to hit me what is going to happen. I'm going to lose my breast and my nipple. And I AM going to freak out about it. I mean like REALLY freak out, not just cry a little and then be done with it. I am afraid of what that's going to look like and I am afraid for whoever has to witness it. Hopefully it won't be too bad.
Alright, that's all for now. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey, I appreciate you all. <3 br="br">
If you don't already know/haven't seen my previous posts, I have Fibromatosis. It is, as I'm calling it for now, a very rare form of breast cancer with some benign qualities and some malignant qualities. I had a lumpectomy to remove the tumor, but the margins weren't clear, so I'm going back in for a mastectomy on December 27.
I met with my Plastic Surgeon again today, and we had a longer (hour long) consultation discussing options, looking at pictures, etc. He also pulled out a loose stitch from my lumpectomy -- OUCH! But besides that one thing, the appointment went very well. I'm still not really sure exactly what I'm going to do, but I still have a lot of time to figure that out. Even after my mastectomy and tissue expander placement on the 27th, I'll have about 3-4 months or so before my exchange surgery. So questions like silicone vs. saline and how big of an implant I'm gonna get have time to be answered. I'm also not sure if I want to try to do nipple reconstruction or not, but that has time to be decided as well.
I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. Shout-out to my Mommy, Lisa, Nicole, and Justin, who have all been soooo supportive and helpful through this whole thing. All of my friends and family have been great. My mom has been with me to every appointment since the very beginning and took care of me when I was recovering from my first surgery. Lisa has been my mentor, she went through the same process as me with the same surgeons and everything. She has accompanied me to both of my consults with the Plastic Surgeon, and she has been a great resource for me. Not only that, but she's very caring and it's really nice to have someone to talk to who knows exactly what I'm going through. Nicole is great, I can call her any time I need to vent or just be sad and she's always there for me. She even wants to go with me when I get my tattoo on my breast - and she wants to get one too. That's why she's my boo for life. And Justin - I am so blessed to have him in my life. He has been so great to me, he's going to be with me for my surgery and the first part of my recovery. He's been there for me since the beginning, sticking by me and supporting me. The timing for meeting him is kinda bad, since he met me right when this was all starting and now he has to deal with it too, but also SO good for me, since I have him to support me and comfort me.
I am also privileged to be so well cared for by my doctors and nurses. I feel like they all really care about me, they have all been very compassionate, helpful, and supportive. I really like all of them. I loved the nurse I had before my lumpectomy, she liked me so much that she found me when I was in recovery even though I had a different nurse - just to check up on me. I'm thinking about requesting her to be my nurse for my mastectomy too, if that's possible.
Finally, I have to thank the wonderful ladies of Breastcancer.org - they have all been amazing. They are all so strong and brave, and having them to talk to has been immensely beneficial for me.
Having all of these people around me has really made this whole process a lot easier.
To be honest, I am starting to get scared. Mostly what I'm scared of is the impending freak-out that is bound to happen. I have had a few freak-outs, but for the most part I have been handling myself pretty well through all of this. I just know that at some point, as my surgery gets closer, it's all really going to hit me what is going to happen. I'm going to lose my breast and my nipple. And I AM going to freak out about it. I mean like REALLY freak out, not just cry a little and then be done with it. I am afraid of what that's going to look like and I am afraid for whoever has to witness it. Hopefully it won't be too bad.
Alright, that's all for now. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey, I appreciate you all. <3 br="br">
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Update on my journey with fibromatosis
Yes, it is Fibromatosis as the biopsies suspected. And yes, it is a journey. I had my lumpectomy surgery on October 29, and I thought that was going to be the end of it. Unfortunately, it's not.
Considering this isn't technically a form of cancer depending on who you talk to, it certainly acts like a cancer. My pathology report and surgeon told me that I don't have clear margins, which I'm pretty sure she knew when she was doing the lumpectomy. It had already grown way too big. She took out three different pieces of tissue, one measuring 9 x 2 x 2 cm. And the margins still weren't clear. It's still in me and needs to come out.
My whole breast needs to come out. I found out a few days ago that I'll need to have a mastectomy. I already suspected that when my surgeon told me that I would need to have more surgery, because she mentioned having me talk to a plastic surgeon. So when I heard that word in the doctor's office, it didn't shock me as much as it did my mom. I guess this is one of the times that my "jump to conclusions and expect the worst" nature was actually helpful. The only thing I didn't expect was that my nipple won't be spared. (I figure since you all already know I'll be losing my breast, might as well say the whole truth.) That part was really sad to me at first, but I'm feeling a little better about it and about this whole thing. I am so incredibly blessed to have people in my life who have been supportive and understanding. I am very lucky to have a wonderful community of online breast cancer survivors to talk to about all this and get advice from. And, as unfortunate of a coincidence as this is, one of my neighbors who I have known my whole life (I was good friends with one of her sons when we were younger, and my brother with his brother) recently had a mastectomy by my same breast surgeon and reconstruction by my plastic surgeon. She has been a great resource to me and I'm sure she will continue to be, helping me along this journey with advice and encouragement and complete understanding. I also really like my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon. Both are very kind and caring people, and I am hopeful that at the end of all this I will feel almost whole even though I'll only have one real breast.
Since I won't have a nipple, I've been weighing my options - try to have it reconstructed out of skin/tissue, have it tattooed on, or go without one. I hadn't even considered the idea of having an artistic tattoo done to cover the scar until my neighbor told me that that's what she was thinking of doing. I LOVE that idea! I keep looking at pictures online of tattoos covering mastectomy/reconstruction scars, and I really like some of them. I know that whole part of this journey isn't until months down the road (at least), but you know me, I love to plan ahead. I've already been thinking of what I'd want my tattoo to look like. I'm not sure if that's what I'll end up doing, but I like the idea for now.
My mastectomy is scheduled for December 27. Just in time for new years! Haha. So much for my new years plans. At least I'll be able to celebrate Christmas like a normal person - I'll just have to celebrate new years a little early this year. While I'm still under from the mastectomy, my plastic surgeon is going to come in and place the tissue expander in with a small amount of fluid. So I won't be completely flat when I wake up, just mostly flat. After that I'll have to stay a night in the hospital; unless I feel like a "rock star," then my plastic surgeon said I can go home that day. But I'm thinking I'll have to stay overnight and I'll be able to go home the next day. The recovery time for this surgery will be longer than my lumpectomy, it will take about a month before I can go back to mostly normal activity. The first two weeks I won't be able to do much of anything. I'm glad the new Kindle HD that I want will be out by then, since I'll have a LOT of downtime.
Then, gradually over the next 3 or 4 months, I'll have my expander filled with saline. They have to do this over time because there won't be much tissue to work with after the mastectomy. Once that process is done, I'll have my exchange surgery and the expander will be replaced with a "permanent" implant. It's not really permanent since I'll have to have it replaced every ten years or so. Then once I'm all recovered and healed from that, I can figure out what I'm gonna do about nipple reconstruction or tattooing or whatever.
All this fun stuff going on has been really bad timing with my just getting hired back at the racquet club a couple weeks ago. It's just been too stressful with all the appointments I've been going to, researching, talking to genetics counselors (since fibromatosis can be linked to Gardner's syndrome, I might have to have some tests done to make sure I don't have that), and planning surgeries. I gave my two-weeks notice. It feels weird since I just started there, but I really need this time to focus on me, my family, and my school. [Side note: I've been taking classes at CRC because I've decided to pursue my old dream of nursing. Especially since my experience with so many nurses from this whole ordeal, it's just made me want to do that even more. I love the idea of being able to help people the way they have helped me. I know that's a bit of a step from my Aquatic Biology degree, but it's not too far from it with all the biology classes I took in college.] And once my classes are over in December, it will be nice not to have to worry about work at all while I'm preparing for and recovering from surgeries. My boss was very kind and sympathetic. She told me they were going to miss me there and that once this is all over, they'll be right there waiting for me to come back. It is comforting to know that I'll still have a job there if I want it after I'm healed. I am glad that we ended on good terms and that this might not be the end, depending on what's going on in my life in 6 months.
I'll try to keep this updated throughout this process. I know this is a really rare and unique situation for me to be in, but breast cancer isn't as rare and it can happen to anyone. I will stress again to everyone: pay attention to your bodies! And check your breasts monthly! Even if you're young like me, it is important to be aware of any changes in your body.
Considering this isn't technically a form of cancer depending on who you talk to, it certainly acts like a cancer. My pathology report and surgeon told me that I don't have clear margins, which I'm pretty sure she knew when she was doing the lumpectomy. It had already grown way too big. She took out three different pieces of tissue, one measuring 9 x 2 x 2 cm. And the margins still weren't clear. It's still in me and needs to come out.
My whole breast needs to come out. I found out a few days ago that I'll need to have a mastectomy. I already suspected that when my surgeon told me that I would need to have more surgery, because she mentioned having me talk to a plastic surgeon. So when I heard that word in the doctor's office, it didn't shock me as much as it did my mom. I guess this is one of the times that my "jump to conclusions and expect the worst" nature was actually helpful. The only thing I didn't expect was that my nipple won't be spared. (I figure since you all already know I'll be losing my breast, might as well say the whole truth.) That part was really sad to me at first, but I'm feeling a little better about it and about this whole thing. I am so incredibly blessed to have people in my life who have been supportive and understanding. I am very lucky to have a wonderful community of online breast cancer survivors to talk to about all this and get advice from. And, as unfortunate of a coincidence as this is, one of my neighbors who I have known my whole life (I was good friends with one of her sons when we were younger, and my brother with his brother) recently had a mastectomy by my same breast surgeon and reconstruction by my plastic surgeon. She has been a great resource to me and I'm sure she will continue to be, helping me along this journey with advice and encouragement and complete understanding. I also really like my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon. Both are very kind and caring people, and I am hopeful that at the end of all this I will feel almost whole even though I'll only have one real breast.
Since I won't have a nipple, I've been weighing my options - try to have it reconstructed out of skin/tissue, have it tattooed on, or go without one. I hadn't even considered the idea of having an artistic tattoo done to cover the scar until my neighbor told me that that's what she was thinking of doing. I LOVE that idea! I keep looking at pictures online of tattoos covering mastectomy/reconstruction scars, and I really like some of them. I know that whole part of this journey isn't until months down the road (at least), but you know me, I love to plan ahead. I've already been thinking of what I'd want my tattoo to look like. I'm not sure if that's what I'll end up doing, but I like the idea for now.
My mastectomy is scheduled for December 27. Just in time for new years! Haha. So much for my new years plans. At least I'll be able to celebrate Christmas like a normal person - I'll just have to celebrate new years a little early this year. While I'm still under from the mastectomy, my plastic surgeon is going to come in and place the tissue expander in with a small amount of fluid. So I won't be completely flat when I wake up, just mostly flat. After that I'll have to stay a night in the hospital; unless I feel like a "rock star," then my plastic surgeon said I can go home that day. But I'm thinking I'll have to stay overnight and I'll be able to go home the next day. The recovery time for this surgery will be longer than my lumpectomy, it will take about a month before I can go back to mostly normal activity. The first two weeks I won't be able to do much of anything. I'm glad the new Kindle HD that I want will be out by then, since I'll have a LOT of downtime.
Then, gradually over the next 3 or 4 months, I'll have my expander filled with saline. They have to do this over time because there won't be much tissue to work with after the mastectomy. Once that process is done, I'll have my exchange surgery and the expander will be replaced with a "permanent" implant. It's not really permanent since I'll have to have it replaced every ten years or so. Then once I'm all recovered and healed from that, I can figure out what I'm gonna do about nipple reconstruction or tattooing or whatever.
All this fun stuff going on has been really bad timing with my just getting hired back at the racquet club a couple weeks ago. It's just been too stressful with all the appointments I've been going to, researching, talking to genetics counselors (since fibromatosis can be linked to Gardner's syndrome, I might have to have some tests done to make sure I don't have that), and planning surgeries. I gave my two-weeks notice. It feels weird since I just started there, but I really need this time to focus on me, my family, and my school. [Side note: I've been taking classes at CRC because I've decided to pursue my old dream of nursing. Especially since my experience with so many nurses from this whole ordeal, it's just made me want to do that even more. I love the idea of being able to help people the way they have helped me. I know that's a bit of a step from my Aquatic Biology degree, but it's not too far from it with all the biology classes I took in college.] And once my classes are over in December, it will be nice not to have to worry about work at all while I'm preparing for and recovering from surgeries. My boss was very kind and sympathetic. She told me they were going to miss me there and that once this is all over, they'll be right there waiting for me to come back. It is comforting to know that I'll still have a job there if I want it after I'm healed. I am glad that we ended on good terms and that this might not be the end, depending on what's going on in my life in 6 months.
I'll try to keep this updated throughout this process. I know this is a really rare and unique situation for me to be in, but breast cancer isn't as rare and it can happen to anyone. I will stress again to everyone: pay attention to your bodies! And check your breasts monthly! Even if you're young like me, it is important to be aware of any changes in your body.
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