Happy Unicorn

Hello!

It has been quite a while since I've posted a blog, but with all this extra time at home due to the current pandemic, I figured now was a good time to get back to it. 

As I mentioned on my Facebook recently, I decided to remove my breast implants and go au natural - that really is more my style anyway.  This has been a long time coming as I have known for quite some time that I didn't like having implants and wanted them out of my body.  I didn't like how they looked, I didn't like how they felt, and most of all, I didn't like how they impacted my upper body strength.  Since I had a unilateral mastectomy, I knew of course that without the implants I would have to have some other sort of reconstruction to create the illusion of 2 breasts - right?

When I was initially going through all of this, I was told that I wasn't a candidate for autologous reconstruction (using my own fat and tissue), but after doing some research, I found something that I would likely qualify for - a TUG flap - Transverse Upper Gracilis flap.  This is an extensive, specialized surgery which would use the gracilis muscle in the thigh, along with fat, to create a new breast.  I did a ton of research on this and was seriously contemplating doing the surgery - it would be a lot but then it would be done, no more implants, no future exchange surgeries, nothing.  The thing was, I was nervous about cutting into my thighs.  I didn't want to mess up my thigh muscle, I had already messed up my chest muscle and didn't need to mess with any other muscles.  I didn't want a huge scar down my inner thigh, I didn't want them to be asymmetrical, etc.  However, I truly thought this was my only option.  The idea of not doing reconstruction was never presented to me by any of my doctors, and it had never entered my mind.

Once I thought about it, I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I did tons of research, looked at tons of pictures, thought of myself without reconstruction, and knew that was the right decision for me.  I was fortunate that the plastic surgeon I went to was accepting of my wishes and did not try to dissuade me, as I have seen many accounts of women receiving push back from their doctors, especially young women. 

Now that I only have the one breast, I am what is referred to in the breast cancer community as a unicorn, and I wear the title proudly.  If I want to, I wear a prosthetic on my right side, but mostly I just go half-flat. 

When I was doing all of my research, I learned about Breast Implant Illness.  This is not really accepted as a thing among doctors, but there are numerous accounts of women who swear that their implants made them sick, and they felt much better when they got them removed.  I related to a lot of the symptoms that these women were describing.  I have felt progressively more unwell throughout the years, and I thought perhaps my implants were to blame, although many of my symptoms did start before my implants.  They certainly worsened greatly since I got them.  Among these symptoms for me were: joint and muscle pain, chronic fatigue, memory and concentration problems, anxiety, depression, headaches, and hair loss.  I was hoping that removing my implants would alleviate these symptoms, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  However, recently I have felt some improvement with some of my symptoms and I think I may finally know what is to blame - iron deficiency.  That is something that I have a lot of thoughts on so I will save that for a separate blog.

Adios for now! <3 nbsp="" p="">
P.S.  I want to mention that I have nothing against breast reconstruction or breast augmentation via breast implants or any other surgery.  I believe everyone should do what they want to their own bodies, and choosing one thing over the other does not make anyone better than anyone else.  However, I do have a problem with the lack of informed consent around breast reconstruction.  I was never presented with the option of going without reconstruction; when I was told I needed a mastectomy, in the same sentence I was told that I would see a plastic surgeon and would have reconstruction and look just like myself again.  Of course, as a 22 year old who was terrified of having to lose a breast, that was an exciting idea for me.  When I talked to the plastic surgeon, I was clear that I was an active person, particularly with swimming, and I was not warned of the affects that having implants placed under the muscle would have on my upper body strength.  I suspect that had I known that my strength would be impacted, and had I been presented staying flat as an option, I may have opted for that initially and saved myself a lot of hassle. 

Random notes on dreams, discernment.

     I went down a rabbit hole this morning on the word "discernment."  I watched two YouTube videos on it.  Apparently, God talks to us in dreams.  I don't know about all that, but maybe.

    I'm at a long table made of wood, kind of dark, possibly stained.  It looks natural.  I see the knots and lines.  There are small, fake plants in white pots.  There is this grand TV screen with pictures of water, boats, Rocks (why did I capitalize that?).

    River rocks.  The dream from the podcast I was listening to yesterday.  She collected river rocks, I'm imagining dark and smooth, flat.  She placed one on each desk as a touchstone to the natural world.  Then, she feared that the building would collapse (these were desks on the top floor of a skyscraper).  This was her dream just before 9/11.

    Wow, right?

    I find dreams so interesting.  I also love the Fleetwood Mac song.  Album?  No, Rumors.  Rumours? I guess it depends.

    Anyway, discernment.  My dream.  "The ability to judge well."  In spiritual contexts is what I'm interested in.  "Perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding."

    There's a lot to be said about discernment.  I wonder why I dreamed that specific word?  It was so prominent.  The girl had a look of discernment.  That part doesn't make sense to me.  I would have described it as a look of peace, contentment.  How does one display a look of discernment?

    Later, I was listening to another podcast and I learned that as a procrastinator, my iconic identity is the Sage and discernment is my superpower.  Way to go, subconscious.  I don't really follow, but perhaps more will be revealed.  Perhaps.

Via Transformativa

    I already realized I was a work in progress, but I’m just now realizing how beautiful that is!  Let me attempt to explain.

    I was listening to a podcast (The One You Feed - What Creation Spirituality Means with Matthew Fox) and the guest was talking about the four paths of creation spirituality.  Creation spirituality is about the sacredness of nature and our existence, and the four pathways are the "Vias": Via Positiva, Via Negativa, Via Creativa, and Via Transformatvia.  He talked about how each pathway can lead to the next, and how the Via Creativa acts as a bridge to the Via Transformatvia.

    I've heard all the clichés - you are enough, perfectly imperfect, etc., but I never put much actual thought into them, into believing them.  I struggle with perfectionism, probably to an exorbitant degree as someone with OCD, and I realize that my struggle, my struggles, make me who I am in this moment.  I'm inclined to read back over this blog, combing it for areas where I can reword things or take out a word, but I know it won't ever be perfect.  It doesn't have to be!  This is my craft, my creative outlet.  It is only one of many, I'm fortunate to have multiple creative outlets, but so are we all!  From what I gleaned from the podcast, everyday decisions are part of the Via Creativa.

    The commandment of the Via Transformativa is "Be You Compassionate as You Creator in Heaven is Commpassionate."  I'm not religious, though I spent a few years in college attending bible study.  I needed that at that point in my life, and I will be forever grateful for that experience.  It was an important part of my story.

    Now, I'm spiritual, in the sense that I believe that every person has a Higher Power in them, perhaps their "good wolf" in the parable of The One You Feed podcast.  I've always been a compassionate person, and I'm realizing that is thanks to all my past experiences, the good and bad.  The Via Positiva and Via Negativa.

    Anyway, to the point, I am realizing that I am on this path, and I am living my purpose.  I am a mother, I am a nurse, I am an artist, I am a writer.  I am fortunate to be on this path, even though I have suffered misfortune.  My most notable recent bout of suffering was my time at Sierra Vista, but that experience shaped me into who I am today.  It gave me another layer to my compassion, and it provided me with tools, coping strategies.  The Next Steps program further taught me important lessons, allowing me to tease myself apart in ways that I hadn't ever before.  It also taught me the importance of self-compassion.

    Life is hard.  Motherhood is hard.  I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I want to do, but I'm realizing I have the same amount of time as everyone else, I just have an uncanny ability to squander it.  Ever since my hospitalization, I have a newfound appreciation for my freedom, and everything that I have, which makes everyday tasks a bit more time consuming.  This means, there is room for improvement!  I bought a timer with an intent to use it for cleaning tasks to keep myself on track, but I still need to set up the system that I want to use.  That can wait, I am still a procrastinator after all.

    I've changed immensely from the person I was when I started this blog, but I am still the same person in my soul.  This blog is aptly named, it is simply the place I can go to speak my truth in my natural format.  I am grateful to be back here. I will never be perfect, and as of now, that is okay with me.

Motherhood changed me, a work in progress.

    I obsessed over the idea of being a mother. For over a decade, I pondered. I watched mothers with young children in the streets. I watched countless YouTube videos on pregnancy and parenting. I’ve worked with children since my teenage years, and I’ve always known that I wanted to be a mother. 

    Nothing could have prepared me for how motherhood would affect me, how it would change me. I love my son more than anything or anyone I’ve ever loved before. This love is powerful, and it brought out my demons that were buried so deep, I didn’t even know they were there. 

    I was not sleeping. I would wake up nearly every morning at 3 AM, anxious about becoming a mother when I was pregnant, and about being a mother when I already was one. Anxious about everything my brain could think of in those middle-of-the-night hours. I was in survival mode, running on pure adrenaline during the day, for I don’t know how long.

 

    Breastfeeding was a journey all its own, one I was nervous about as a woman with only one breast. It was difficult, arduous, but we found our rhythm, my son and me. It was an experience I had to cut short at 6 months, as I was diagnosed with ADHD and felt the need to take medication. And we all know what happened next, those of us who have read my last blog, anyway. 

    I considered saying that motherhood broke me, but I was already broken. I think I knew I was, somewhere deep down. Broken. Now I want to say, motherhood fixed me. That would be erroneous as well, for I am not fixed. I am a work in progress. I got so lost in my role as James’ mom that I found myself at Sierra Vista. I completed Kaiser’s Next Steps program after I was discharged, and I’m continuing therapy and regular psychiatry visits. Now, I’m just trying to take care of myself, and I’m realizing that it doesn’t come as naturally to me as taking care of James does. I would do anything for him, but my cup was so damaged, let alone not filled, that I had to spend a week away from him.

    I’m trying. Trying to honor my soul. Trying to fill my cup. Trying to prioritize myself as much as I can, to do the things that bring me joy and satisfaction. Finding my way back to this blog was monumental in this process, and I plan to continue on this trajectory. Aside from writing, I have other aspirations. I want to get back in shape and get my house in order. I’ve always struggled with having too much stuff, and that became glaringly obvious after having a baby and all of his stuff. I need to declutter, desperately. I’m also trying to carve out an hour in the morning to work out and have some time to myself. I don’t always do it, but when I do, I always feel so good. I’m hoping putting it in writing here will motivate me to do it more.

    Anyway, that’s all for now. Here’s to 2023, the year of me. 

New year, new me.

 11/25/22

I skipped the first page, I’m not entirely sure why.  This is such a mindfuck, my current situation.  I’m writing in this beautiful journal that my husband brought me, with a pen that I hate writing with.  It’s the only pen I can use, only style anyway.  Regular pens are “contraband.”

Am I in prison?  No.  I’m a patient at Sierra Vista Hospital.  It is a locked down facility, and there are cameras everywhere.  For all I know, someone could be watching me while I write.

Anyway, I’m still not entirely sure how I ended up here.  I guess I had a panic attack that escalated, and I was acting out of character? All I remember is having difficulty sleeping, trying to talk to Michael, and suddenly, he was driving us to Kaiser ER.  (Present Michelle adding that he did the right thing by getting me the help I needed, and I thank him for that.)

I’ve gone through such a whirlwind of emotions through all of this.  I have been so confused.  The hours and days all kind of meld together.

When I was still at Kaiser, I got to a point where I thought I must have done something truly horrible.  I don’t want to put it in writing, but basically, I feared the absolute worst.  I’m so glad to know that that did not happen.  As far as I know, my husband and baby are alive and well.

I have so much anger around being stuck in here, away from them.  It is breaking my heart.  Every morning, I’ve been waking up thinking, this is it!  Today must be the day! But alas, it is not.  Seems like the best I can hope for is to go home on Monday.  Today is Friday.  So, looks like home on 11/28 if all goes well?

I just really want to get home ASAP.  I’ve been away from my family for too long.

11/26/22

                Here I am, sometime after 3 PM and before 4.  It is quiet time here at Sierra Vista.  I woke up early this morning, just before 6 AM.  I tried to rest/sleep a little longer, but finally just got up and started my day.

                I’m trying to commit to my life here.  Feels like I’m just going through the motions, but I do see the benefit in it.  In being here.  Kinda… haha.

                I took a full shower this morning, washed my hair and everything.  I had been putting it off, thinking surely, I would be home before I needed to wash my hair.  But, alas, that did not happen.

                I ate breakfast and lunch in the day room.  I went to both groups this morning.  I went outside when it was time, and I talked to a few different people.

                Reaching out and talking to people here is especially difficult for me, because it really does feel like they’re all “in on it.”  Like I’m the main character in this social experiment.  And no matter to whom I try to tell my theory, nothing changes.  So now I’m trying to just acquiesce to my role here, and better myself.  But I already feel great, I just need to see my husband.

              

I’m back, same date.

I feel so frustrated.  I was reading this book, “Illusions” by Richard Bach.  It was a quick read, and it really felt relevant to my current situation.  As soon as I finished it, literally the moment that I closed the book, the on-call doctor wanted to talk to me.  He said I’m doing great, but our conversation was over as soon as I brought up getting discharged.  Because, apparently, nobody else can discharge me but Dr. Lepler.  Not even myself.  So much for the notion that I am my own master, that I am responsible for myself.  Ugh, just so frustrating.

I ate dinner in the small day room, with my roommate and another patient.  I was trying to socialize, but I was having a hard time focusing.

I’m so tired of this.  It still feels like some cruel joke, like a game, and I’m ready for it to be over so I can go home.  I would even drive myself home in the dark if they would let me, that is how ready I am. (I don’t like driving in the dark, it is hard for me to see.)

I wanted to call my brother or Michael, but the phone was tied up.  Maybe it’s free now…

11/27/22

                Humble pie.  That is what I needed, and what I got, being here.  I have lost my in-the-moment vision, but I’m working on it.  Sharpening it.  I have been sooooo caught up in the idea that all I need is my husband, my son, my family.  I NEED them and they NEED me, right?  So, then, why the fuck am I here?

                I’m at a point where I understand the why and how as much as possible without talking face to face with my husband, and I am ok with that.  Because, ultimately, they (the why and how) don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

                The bitter pill that I’ve finally swallowed is the realization that I have been leaning on my husband too much for my own sake.  And most likely, for his sake, too.  But I AM the one who matters more to me, and right now, I need to focus on myself, away from them.  As difficult and as backwards as it seems, I finally realized it as truth.

                It does still feel like I’m stuck in some sort of game.  Like everyone is somehow here for me.  The conversations I hear, and even the movies and shows on the TV, just feel too relevant.  But that can’t be, right?  And, even if it is, I need to just focus on bettering myself.

 

Present Michelle writing now, I transcribed some of the notes from my time at Sierra Vista.  The bolding effect of “everyone is somehow here for me” was added by present me.  Past me meant it as the delusional thought that I was stuck in a simulation but present me is recognizing it as the truth.  I have so many people in my corner, supporting me, I just have a very hard time asking for help when I need it.

I cringe a bit as I read the words from my past self.  I was incredibly confused by my situation, and I was literally delusional.  I belonged there, in a mental hospital, and at the time I did not understand why.  I now understand why, and I would like to enlighten whoever is reading this.

I have multiple mental health diagnoses.  I was diagnosed with ADHD toward the end of last year, and I was prescribed Adderall.  I was also taking Zoloft for depression.  However, what I did not know, was that I don’t have depression, I have bipolar disorder.  Being on Adderall without also being on a mood stabilizer sent me into a manic episode complete with psychosis.  But wait, there’s more!  Another thing I’ve learned since my release from the hospital is that I also have OCD.

I’ve been wanting to share my story, to put myself out there, in the hopes that it can help even one person.  Also, selfishly, I’m doing this for me.  I am not ashamed of my diagnoses, nor of my time in the mental hospital.  I am who I am, and I am proud.  My diagnoses do not define me, but they do shape who I am.  I’m not looking for judgment or pity, I’m just looking for acceptance.  I accept myself enough to know that sharing my story will help me, and that is enough for me.

Peaceful Vegan

              I have been eating 100% vegan for over a week now.  I decided that I wanted to do a “vegan challenge,” and before I even started, I planned to continue the “challenge” indefinitely.  I had been thinking of going vegan for some time now, I just thought that it would be too hard for me.  Once I finally made the connection, and realized how much I did NOT want to contribute to the harming of any animals in any way, it was actually incredibly easy for me to give up eggs and dairy.  I know that a lot of people don’t understand why I would do such a thing.  People wonder how I could be healthy without eating any animal products.  I have my reasons, and I have done a lot of research.  It actually is possible to be completely healthy and thrive on a vegan diet, and I plan to do it.

              This is something that I am incredibly passionate about, even though it is just the beginning.  I consider myself an animal lover and an environmentalist.  I am passionate about recycling, conserving water, not throwing trash on the ground.  I love all living beings.  I finally feel at peace with myself and my beliefs.  I have felt better this past week than I have in a long time.  I have so much energy, and I am just happier.  I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.  Sure, there are TONS of foods that I LOVED to eat before going vegan that I cannot eat now.  I don’t want to eat them anymore.  Anything that contains any animal product, I don’t want to eat.  I don’t want to contribute to the egg or dairy industries.  I don’t want to contribute to animals suffering.

              When I was younger, I didn’t understand why or how someone would go vegan.  I figured being a vegetarian was enough to save the animals.  Giving up all animal products was just extreme.  I’ve finally realized why and how people do it.  And I feel strongly enough about it that I can do it, too.  I thought about going into detail about why I don’t want to support the milk or egg industries anymore, but a quick Google search could probably tell you if you really want to know.  I will say that I think they are cruel and they involve harm to animals.  I’d also like to add that if you’re interested, you should check out the movie Cowspiracy.  It’s on Netflix J

              I do it for the animals, and the people.  I do it for everyone.  I feel at peace. 

overdue update - I got in!

For anyone who doesn't know yet, I finally got into nursing school!  I'm in my 6th week at Sac State, and I love it!  I have learned so much already and had various experiences with patients, including today which was my first time working with an RN in the hospital and taking care of a specific patient.  Other than that I have worked in a Skilled Nursing Facility with a CNA, worked with a Home Health RN in patients' homes, and worked with a CNA in the hospital.  I've also worked in the simulation lab.  I think this is the career for me.

I definitely feel that my past experiences have helped me a lot in this program.  I've had surgeries, I've been in the hospital, I've slept in that hospital bed (and got a horrible night's sleep), I've done the "try to do laps around the nurses station and barely get down the hall a few feet" thing.  I've dealt with horrible nausea and the most intense pain I've ever felt; I've also gotten to feel the relief of the potent Dilaudid, although there were times when the pain seemed unstoppable even with that.  I've experienced a lot of the side effects of surgery and medications that we've learned about.  I've had limited range of motion, being unable to even put on a T-shirt.  I've gone home with drains and had to measure my own output from them.  These experiences have helped when learning about this stuff in school, but they have also helped me relate to the people I am working with.  I have an ability to empathize with them in a way that I don't think is possible without having gone through a similar experience.  Everyone's experience is different, and of course I haven't gone through everything that my patients have gone through, but I can relate on a personal level to a lot of the things I've seen in the hospital.  I'm so grateful for my experiences as a patient, although it was difficult for me at the time.  I am hopeful that they will help me be the best nurse I can be someday.

Okay, that's all for now.  I have a habit of writing these when I actually have things to do.  I got midterms to study for!  Adios amigos :)

Nursing School Round 2

So, as many of you may know, I did not get in to nursing school last fall.  I knew it was competitive (SF State only accepted 20 students!  And only THREE in my concentration!) but I thought I had a shot.. ah well.  I was somewhere around number 8 on the waitlist for SF State, but was ultimately rejected.  Also I was rejected right away from USF, which I thought I had a better chance of getting in to than SF State...

Anyway, I decided to take that experience and do as much as I could to improve my resume, and try again!  Over the summer I took an EMT class, and I attended the USF info session to see exactly how they wanted us to write our personal statements and resumes.  I also retook a class that I had taken at UCSB many years ago (in 2009 I think) and went from a C+ to an A.  The USF spring application is due on October 15, so I am working on improving my personal statement and resume for that.

However, since my first round of applications, I became aware that I can actually apply to Sac State!  I had been scouring their website since the beginning of my nursing school journey, looking to see if they would reinstate their Accelerated Second Bachelor's program, but it was and still is on hiatus.  I only recently became aware that I can apply to the traditional BSN program there as a second bachelor's student!  And since I already have a degree and all the pre-reqs and co-reqs completed, I would go straight into the nursing program.  That would only take me 2 years to complete, as opposed to 4 like I was originally thinking.  This program just makes so much sense for me.  It is so much more affordable than USF, it is in Sacramento (many benefits there, although it would be pretty cool to live in SF -- just really expensive, on top of the crazy expensive tuition), and it is a very well respected program. It has become my top choice this round, although USF is still a great option.

The problem with Sac State is that it is highly impacted, and they go on a point system.  There is no subjectivity, and there are no bonus points for any compelling experience.  No personal statements for them to get an idea of who you are as a person.  They only look at the number of points you have, determined by GPA, TEAS score, and optional points for speaking a foreign language, having healthcare experience, coming from a low income family, and coming from a disadvantaged high school (3 points each).  My GPA for the courses they look at is about 3.65, which sounds high but only translates to 25 points out of 50 possible for GPA.  I also get 6 points for optional criteria (speaking Spanish and having healthcare experience).  That put me at 31 points going in to the TEAS.  The point cutoff last semester was 71 points, and the trend has been that each semester, the point cutoff goes up by 2 points.  This does not necessarily mean that the point cutoff will be 73 this time, but I predict it will be somewhere around there.

I went into the TEAS (Test of Essential Academic Skills) knowing that I had to score high to bring my points up.  I took it for the first time on the 25th, and I scored 93.3%.  This is a very high score, 99th percentile, but unfortunately only corresponds to 37 points out of 50 for that section.  That put me at 68 points, not high enough for me to feel good about my application.  Although, there is no guarantee, and it is possible that I would have gotten in with 68 points.  However, I saw that there was an opening to sign up to take it again on the 29th, and if I were to score higher, Sac State would only look at the highest score.  So, I did it, and I got a 96% the second time!  That score gave me 43 points, so that plus my original 31 gives me 74 points on my application.  Yay!

The application for Sac State is due tomorrow, October 1.  I turned it in today, hand delivered it to make sure that they got it.  Now, I am anxiously waiting to hear back.  I reallllly hope that the trend continues and that I get in, because I would really love to start nursing school there in the spring.

I am still applying to USF as well, that is a great school and the more applications the better.  SF State does not accept entry level masters applications in the spring, but I may apply to their Bachelors program, which doesn't open until mid-October for next fall.  However, my top choice at this point is Sac State.  Fingers crossed that I get in!

It is crazy, because at the beginning of my time at UCSB I was seriously considering transferring to Sac State to try to get in to their nursing program.  However, at the time it would have been for all the wrong reasons.  I was having a rough time at UCSB, but transferring was not the right thing to do at the time.  I am really glad that I ended up staying there, because my life would definitely not have gone the way it has.  I built friendships there that I still cherish, and I had a great time there despite my rough first year.  I also have met people since then that I would not have met if I had transferred.  If I end up going to Sac State, it feels like I took the long road, but the journey was much more rewarding.  That sounds so cheesy, but it's true.

Well, that's all for now.  This blog has kind of transitioned away from my whole breast cancer thing and back to just being about things going on in my life, but maybe people will still read it :)  October is breast cancer awareness month though, and I am excited to wear the pink ribbon pashmina that Jeffrey got me for Christmas last year.  There's something breast cancer related!  I hope you all wear pink at least once this month!  Hehe.  I also just remembered the pink ribbon jacket that Chris and Zahra got me for my birthday, I'm looking forward to wearing that too as the weather gets cooler.  Yay fall!

Okay adios amigos :)

quick post - nursing is on my mind

I don't know why I had the sudden urge to post a blog, since my head is pounding from this annoying cold and I should really just go to bed.  But I have been working on my SF State nursing application and I feel the need to share my excitement/exhaustion.

Whew, this application process is a long one!  I have to apply to the university and also apply separately to the nursing program.  Both of the applications require many of the same things, such as test scores and transcripts, so I have been working on getting that all settled.  I took the GRE and scored well (in my opinion), except that my writing score was not as high as I was expecting or as high as I would have liked.  So I am retaking it on the 15th, with hopes of increasing the writing score without a drop in the other scores.  However, the nursing program that I'm applying to only really looks at writing, so it seems that if I don't score as high in the other categories it won't really matter.

I just wrote out two long and thought out emails to previous professors asking them to write a letter of recommendation for me.  I hope that they say yes and that I gave them enough time to write them (the application is due Feb 1!!!  Where has the time gone?).  Other than that I'm almost done with everything.  Transcripts are being sent to the university and the nursing program (so twice per transcript x 3 transcripts x about 15 bucks per transcript = nothing compared to the total price of applying to grad school... sigh, I really really hope I get in).

In other news, things are going pretty well.  Life is good.  I am happy to officially be done with pre-reqs (at least for the SF State program.. let's pray that I get in and won't have to deal with the possibility of having to apply elsewhere and possibly having to take an interpersonal communication class).  I am happy that it has been over a year since my mastectomy and that I feel pretty much back to normal.  I am scared at how fast time seems to be going by, but I am excited to see what 2014 brings.  Oh and random but I got the polar ft 60 heart rate monitor for Christmas (ahem, thanks Santa-Mom!) and it has really been forcing me to stay on track with exercising.  I even went to the gym yesterday despite just wanting to sleep and be lazy, and I definitely would not have gone if it had not been for my desire to get my stars and trophy for doing a good job for the week.  If you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about.  Otherwise I'm probably making no sense.

Okay my head is about to explode, so I'm going to turn on Friends and go to sleep.  Adios amigos!

Long time no see!

Hey everyone!  Sorry I've been neglecting this blog, I almost wrote an update a few months ago but then I felt like I didn't really have anything new to say since I stopped having to go to appointments and stuff.  But since it's been a while I thought I would post an update on my life.

So, it has been over a year since my diagnosis with Fibromatosis.  I cannot believe how fast time has gone by.  Since then I've had 3 surgeries and about a zillion doctors appointments, but now things are all settled down in the breast department.  I do have some comments on life since mastectomy and reconstruction:

I am very pleased with how everything looks.  It looks and feels better and much closer to natural than I thought possible.  That is not to say that the "foob" looks natural by any means, it really doesn't, but in clothes or even a bathing suit I don't think anyone can tell a difference, so that's cool.  I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do now, if anything.  Nipple reconstruction?  Nipple tattoo?  Artistic tattoo (maybe of a pretty flower or something)?  Nothing?  I really don't know.  My scars are still very noticeable, and I don't know if they're ever going to fade.  Unfortunately I really don't scar well.  It might be nice to have a badass tattoo instead of a big scar across the chest.  But, who knows.  I have forever to make up my mind, because I could also just leave it like this and it would be fine.  Decisions decisions.  For those thinking a big tattoo would hurt, it really wouldn't, since I have no sensation in that area.  So that's a bonus :)

Aside from the looks, I have noticed a big change that kind of bothers me.  Since the reconstruction left me with no breast tissue on the right side and a pec muscle that's not the same as it used to be, with an implant underneath, I feel a lot weaker in terms of upper body strength.  I used to be able to do at least a few pull-ups at any given time, and now I can't even do one without pain.  I used to be able to do at least 20 push-ups at a time, and now I struggle with 10.  I can barely lift the 6 or 7 pound weights that are lying around the house.  I even struggle with the 3 pounders I bought sometimes when I'm doing my Jillian Michaels workout DVD, but I just imagine it's because that DVD itself is surprisingly hard.  In terms of everyday strength, it's not something that really limits me.  Mostly when I'm exercising is when I notice it.  This is not something that I was aware would happen before my surgery, but after consulting with the breast cancer forum I have found that this is a common side effect of implant reconstruction.  I wish I had known about that before my surgery.  I'm not saying I would have changed my reconstruction method, but it would have gone into consideration.  Of all the different forms of reconstruction, what I did was probably the easiest, with the quickest recovery and the least amount of scars, which is all good.  So, I probably still would have chosen it.  Overall I'm happy with the results, but that's just something I noticed.

You all may or may not know, but I'm someone who is more at risk for skin cancer than most.  I have annual dermatology appointments, I don't even know how many moles I've had removed (okay that makes it sound like a lot, so let me count.  I think 6 over the years.)  I've had two of those moles re-excised.  One of the re-excisions happened recently.  I'm already losing track of time, I think it was like in August or something.  I don't remember when exactly, but I went in for my yearly dermatology appointment and I ended up having two moles removed.  Both were atypical, but the one on my ankle was atypical enough to need a re-excision.  So, they went back in and took the surrounding area and made sure there were no atypical cells in the margins.  Atypical does not mean cancerous, and it's not really something to worry about, but from what I understand, an atypical cell is a changing cell that may or may not become cancerous if left where it is.  So that's why they had to go back in and make sure the margins were clear.  Which, they were, no skin cancer for me.  Yay.  Thanks to my mom and my sweet Cesar for going to the re-excision with me.

Now I'm taking my hopefully last pre-req, the survey of chemistry class.  Since I have a lot of background in chemistry, it's not super overwhelming, but it is a hard class.  Especially since I really didn't feel like I knew anything about ochem after taking the two ochem classes at UCSB.  I don't even know how I passed those classes, the material was so hard for me.  This time it is a lot easier to grasp and I feel like I really understand organic chemistry, which is probably important for nursing school.  SF State apps are due in February, I'm planning on applying there and then maybe Samuel Merritt even though it is so expensive.  I hope I get into SF State, even though it would be nice to be able to stay in Sac.  SF State has a good program and it's only 6 semesters instead of like 10 or something for Samuel Merritt.  Still figuring it all out, but I'm really excited for nursing school and to be a nurse someday.

I applied for a job last week as a van driver.  I would drive people to their doctors appointments.  It has something to do with the medical field, so that's good.  I had a really good feeling about it when I applied, but I haven't heard from them yet.  I'm trying to be patient.  Aside from that I've been tutoring pretty regularly.  I tutor a 5th grader in math twice a week, and I'm going to start tutoring a high schooler in Algebra 2 once a week starting tomorrow.  I'm actually really excited about it, I was reviewing my algebra 2 to make sure I still know how to do it and it was so much fun graphing and factoring and all that good stuff.  So that should be fun, and it's nice to have some income every week.

Okay that's all for now.  Adios amigos.

Getting back into the swing of things

I got my drains out on Friday (5/31)!  Can you say OUCH?  I don't know why but the removal of the right drain really hurt.  But it was so worth it to feel normal again.  And I don't have to wear that stupid surgical bra anymore!  I'm actually not supposed to wear a bra for another 6 weeks, which I don't mind at all.  Sports bras are okay as long as the band isn't too tight, and camis with shelf bras are what I think I'll wear most of the time.

I am in love with the results!  To be honest, at first I was scared.  I remember peeking down under the bandages early on and I looked really flat.  Almost flatter than I was beforehand, which I know isn't possible, but that's what it seemed like.  When I actually took off the bra and saw them for the first time, I was happy, but not over the moon.  They looked a lot better than what I was expecting, but seemed a little smaller than I had hoped.  I wasn't intending to look gigantic, but after going through all this I did want to be a little bigger. It seemed like I was about halfway between my old size and my desired size.  However, every day they're looking better and better, and now they seem like the perfect size.  When I got my drains out I tried on one of the bras that was sized to my expander (which is the size I wanted post-exchange), and it fit just right.  I'm so happy.

I also look a lot more natural than I thought would be possible.  In fact, if it wasn't for the missing nipple, I think its hard to tell that they're fake.  And in clothes you can't tell at all, they look almost the exact same.

According to the breastcancer.org world, implants do this thing called "drop and fluff" where they do just that.  They drop into place and they fluff out a little.  That will be happening over the next few months, and it only looks better the more they change.  I'm looking forward to the changes, since they already seem perfect as they are.

I feel really good.  I'm still in my two weeks of very limited activity, but I can do things like go to the movies or out to eat now.  Just no big shopping excursions or anything like that.  Also now that my drains are out I can sleep normally again, and I'm back to sleeping in my bed.

*I wrote that first part a while ago, but then I never posted it.  So, here I am, about 3 and a half weeks post exchange.  I have another check up with my PS sometime next week, which I actually have to reschedule since it's during class time.  I also have my yearly check up with my dermatologist next week, and I have to reschedule that one too.  Hoping all will be well with my skin.

I started summer school last week, and it is killer!  I have class from 9-11 and 12-3 Monday through Thursday, and I'm taking them at SCC so I have a bit of a commute.  My classes are fun, I'm taking Public Speaking and Critical Thinking (my last two nursing pre-reqs!  Except that I might have to take a combination chem class in the fall for SF State, but then I'll be done!).  I hate giving speeches but the speech class is only 4 weeks.  So I'm already 1/4 of the way done with that!  I've already given one speech, I have another one next week and then two more after that.  Then hopefully I'll magically be really good at speaking to crowds of people, lol.  I'm giving my informative speech this week on breast cancer which should be interesting.

Okay I should really do my speech outline and reading and stuff.  Back to the school grind.  Adios!

No more expander!

My surgery is over!  The recovery has been nowhere near as hard as after my mastectomy, but still harder than I was expecting.

First off, I have to say it's true - the relief of not having an expander was felt immediately.  I had gotten so used to having it there that I forgot how uncomfortable and annoying it really was, but I can't really feel the permanent implant at all.  Even with the discomfort in my left side, it is so nice not having that rock-hard feeling anymore.

I've noticed a pattern with my surgeries.  Each time I go into the OR, I remember more and more.  The first time, I barely even remember getting wheeled into the room.  I vaguely remembered trying to slide myself over onto the operating table but even that was fuzzy and I thought it was a dream.  The second surgery, I remember the trip to the OR, I remember scooting myself onto the table, I remember seeing my surgeon, and I remember coughing as they put the mask on me.  The last time, I remember all that, plus I remember them telling me things to think about.  I remember them saying, "think about being at the beach.. or better yet, think about finishing nursing school."  I remember the really pleasant feeling as I drifted off to sleep.  That was nice.

When I woke up, I forgot all that for a moment and thought I was about to start my surgery.  Then I realized that it was already over.  By the time I got my glasses and realized what time it was, it was 11:00, and my surgery started at 8:00.  I think the surgery lasted somewhere between 2 and 2 and a half hours.  I was in recovery for a short while, then I got to go home.

This time when I woke up, I did not have to deal with the nausea like last time.  They were true to their word and gave me a scopolamine patch for behind my ear and a pill, and that with my IV concoction seemed to do the job of preventing nausea.  They told me to take the patch off the next day if I didn't feel nauseous, or to leave it on for up to three days.  I left it on for 2, then I took it off before I took my first shower because I hadn't felt nauseous.  A few hours after taking it off, the nausea was back.  I have been taking Zofran for that but it isn't working as well as that patch did, so I asked my doctor if I could get a prescription for that instead.  I'm hoping he says yes, because nausea realllllly sucks.

What's weird is, this time around, my skin seemed to get super sensitive to everything.  I got a lovely rash on my hand from the tape over my IV, so I guess I'm allergic to that or something.  Also my skin was just really itchy and easily irritated at first.  Another thing was that my mouth was really dry and my throat was really sore for the first couple days.  I don't remember if that happened with my other surgeries, but if it did, it wasn't as bad as this time.  A good thing this time around is the pain is less severe, and when I'm laying down it's usually not noticeable.  Also the range of motion in both my arms seems to be perfect, I can put on a t-shirt with no problem, yay!

I have two drains this time, just like last time.  The difference is, I have a drain on each side this time, which makes it impossible to sleep on my side even a little bit.  Strictly back sleeping until I get these out, which will hopefully be soon.  They're just a pain in the butt to always have there, and like I said, my skin is super sensitive for some reason, so they kinda hurt.  And I have to wear a cami to hook them onto because having the bulb thing touch my skin is an irritant.  Last time I just hooked them to my bra and it was no problem.  They were still annoying, but they're a little worse this time.

Oh, so here's a funny story.  On Friday afternoon, my plastic surgeon called to see how I was doing.  (My breast surgeon and the recovery nurse also called to check on me, that was sweet.  It was especially nice to hear from my breast surgeon, I miss her.)  Anyway, so I asked him about getting my drains waterproofed, because I really didn't want to wait until Monday to take a shower.  He said I could come in that day.  I felt fine, so my mom and I hopped in the car to go to kaiser.  (Well, more like she helped me get in and buckled me.  There was no hopping on my end.)

We were barely halfway down Laguna Blvd (not far from my house at all) when I started getting really tired. The idea of driving all the way to Kaiser, walking all the way to my doctor's office, sitting in the waiting room for who knows how long (since I was a drop-in), sitting in the office, walking back, etc etc, seemed impossible.  I told my mom maybe we should turn around and just do it on Monday.  We almost did, but then she reminded me that Monday was a holiday so it wouldn't be until Tuesday.  So I sucked it up and we powered through to Kaiser.  (I just realized I went a little parentheses-crazy here, lol.)

We pulled up in front and we were really lucky because someone was just leaving one of those wheel chair things and getting into his car.  So I sat in it and my mom tried to figure out how to wheel it off to the side so I could sit while she parked the car.  Another lucky thing was that there was a volunteer escort right there who told us how to use it and wheeled me over to my building.  He even waited with me while my mom parked.  I of course felt like such a dork, wearing sweats and slippers with my drains bulging out through my sweatshirt, but oh well.  I was thankful for that wheel chair, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to walk all the way to the office and back.  And I was glad that we did that, because taking a shower makes everything so much better.

Being couch-ridden is as boring as ever.  Earlier today I finally started playing that Candy Crush Saga game, and I'm addicted to it.  We'll see how long that lasts before I get bored and move on to something else.  When I get enough energy I want to start working through my GRE test prep book which will give me something else to do.  Otherwise, watching TV, doing crossword puzzles, and sleeping are the main activities.

Okay, in case you want to know, I'm gonna play Candy Crush Saga til 11, take my keflex and maybe a pain pill, turn on Friends, and go to sleep.  Nighty night :)

Squishy thoughts

Here I am, finally about at the end of my journey.  Well, depending on if I do nipple reconstruction, maybe one more minor procedure after this.  But tomorrow is the last time I'll be going under anesthesia, hopefully for a long time.  I cannot wait for it to all be over!

I'm not excited about getting up at 5:30, going under, having drains, and recovering, but once that is all over I am so excited to be rid of this expander and be in the squishy world.  I don't know what it's going to feel like to not have a softball in my chest anymore, but I've heard it just feels so much different (in a good way).  Everyone on the breast cancer forum has said that they can just feel the difference right after surgery, and it's so much better, even with the pain.  So yay.

The semester is over, and my classes went well; now I have a couple weeks until summer school starts.  School is never-ending for me, but I love it.  Hopefully I can finish my pre-reqs by July and start applying to nursing school.  So exciting!  I also have a trip to the castle of love in Napa for wine tasting in my near future, so another thing to look forward to.

Okie doke, I'm going to finish cleaning my room, take a shower, and plan out my outfit for tomorrow.  I'm thinking the black button-up that Mom-mom got me and my bright blue sweats.  Haha, so when the lady was talking to me on the phone about what to bring to surgery and stuff, she told me to wear a loose button-up shirt.  "You can borrow one from your dad, or husband, or brother... just find someone with a loose button up shirt to borrow."  I thought it was weird, especially since I already have plenty of loose button up shirts of my own, but also how she was giving me all these people I could ask.  And now apparently I'm supposed to have a husband.  Chuckle chuckle.

Okay nighty night everyone. <3 p="">

Life is good

Busy, but good.  I was planning on doing my case study tonight since it's due on Monday, but I got distracted looking up stuff about breast implants and then I decided to write a blog instead.

So, school has been crazy.  Almost done with the semester, but this next week is going to be hectic with finals and assignments.  Once that's all over I'll be so relieved.  Then I'll have a few days to relax until my exchange surgery!  I am so excited!

I had my pre-op today, and it went really well.  I was getting a little nervous beforehand, like I didn't know exactly what I wanted and I had a zillion questions to ask.  But I asked them and I got all my answers and I'm feeling a lot better.  My PS and I are on the same page about size and projection and stuff, and I'm feeling comfortable and confident that it's going to end up looking good.

He said the surgery would probably last 2 1/2 to 3 hours, so around as long as my mastectomy (a little shorter I think, I'm not sure how long it was but I believe it was longer than 3 hours.)  But anyway... OH!  So I asked about the possibility of putting anti-nausea medicine in my IV this time, since I really suffered from the nausea last time, and he was saying they would do the same things as last time but that they would also put a "cocktail" of medications including anti nausea in my IV.  I was confused, because they hadn't done anything last time.  He said they were supposed to have given me an anti nausea pill and a patch thing for behind my ear, and they didn't do either. That would have probably made my life a heck of a lot easier after my mastectomy, because it really was not fun waking up in such an uncomfortable state.  I really hope it works and that this surgery goes smoothly.

It will probably be an outpatient procedure, but there is a chance that I'll have to stay overnight again.  I hope I don't, but if I do, my mom said she would stay with me :)

The bummer is, I'll have to have drains again.  This time on both sides since I'm getting the implant on the other side too.  I didn't think I was going to have to since they're not removing any tissue this time, but he said people drain a surprisingly high amount after this surgery, and I guess it's better to let it drain.  Sigh.  He said I'll have them both out within a week of the surgery, and if I don't it's because I'm doing too much.  So I'll be sure to sit on the couch and not do anything as much as possible to get those drains out ASAP.

In other news, I'm finally getting the hood of my car fixed.  (For those who don't know, it has been a lovely orange color for the past year or so, and the rest of my car is black.)  My super awesome pal Nick helped me sand it, prime it, and paint it today.  And by helped I mean he did all the work while I watched.  Well, I helped with the air hose sprayer thing.  And uh, moving the hood around.  And provided moral support, lol.  I left my hood there to dry overnight and then in the morning it shall be painted with a clear coat and then I'll have a nice pretty hood again!  For now my car looks even more ghetto with no hood haha.

In other other news, my brother Chris and sister in law Zahra are walking in the Susan G. Komen race for the cure tomorrow in honor of me :)  I feel so special.

In even more other news, my boo Nicole is finally in town!  I missed her so much, I think she should just stay here ;) It sucks that she's only here for a week, but any time I get to spend with her is a good time.

Okay, I need to go to bed.  I'm such a grandma.  Goodnight lovelies.  :)

I'm SUCH a proctastinator

I really wish I wasn't a procrastinator.  I have a test in my psyc class tomorrow and I should really be studying for it but it's still only 4pm the day before.  So you know how it goes.  Don't worry, it's my easy class, all I have to do is skim over the 4 chapters that are covered on the test and I'll be fine.  I just wish I was already done with that.

ANYWHO, for those who don't know, my next surgery is scheduled for May 23!  I am so excited for that day to come.  I mean, I'm not looking forward to the actual surgery and recovery part of it, but I am looking forward to having "real" implants and breasts that are basically the same size.  That will be so nice.  It's less than two months away!  How is it already April?  Sheesh, time has got to stop flying so quickly.

In other news, I have been pretty good about working out at least a few times a week, and I definitely feel better because of it.  I'm pretty annoyed though.  I decided to invest in a somewhat cheap heart rate monitor/calorie counter so I could know how many calories I was burning when I did exercises outside of the gym with the machines that count calories for you.  I mean it wasn't super cheap, it was 50 bucks, but it was the cheapest one I saw.  I used it when I did insanity one day (with Vi, she motivates me to do it on most days when I would really rather not lol), and it said I burned almost 700 calories.  I believed it, because insanity is really an insane workout (hence the name).  Then the next day the workout felt a little easier, but still insane.  My calorie counter said I only burned like 300 something calories.  It didn't seem that much easier.  Then the next day was the recovery day, mostly with things like squats and lunges instead of all the jumping and stuff (but there was still some of that, too), and it said I only burned 99 calories!  I was like "this can't be right."  Then yesterday I went to spin class, and confirmed that it's a piece of crap.  The bike said I burned like 350 calories or whatever it was, and my watch monitor thing said 220.  That's a major difference.  So, I'm pretty bummed and I will be returning it.  Maybe I should have gone with the polar watch with the chest strap.  I didn't want to have to wear a chest strap but they're probably more accurate that way.  Anyone know anything about those?

Also, my boo Nicole is coming back to California in May!  For a whole week!  I wish it was for longer but I'm still so excited.  I miss her.

I also miss Santa Barbara.  I might maybe possibly make a trek down there for the Earth Day festival (Bill Nye is gonna be there!  Plus it's my favorite festival.)  And of course to party like a rockstar and stuff.  So I think all my lovely Santa Barbara friends who don't still live there should go there that weekend too and we can all have a reunion!  I'm still not sure if it's actually happening though so we shall see.

Okie I really have to study and do my homework so I can be done with it all before my insanity date with Vi, cuz then after that I have to watch American Idol.  Ooh, I wonder who is going to get voted off?  It's so tough, they're all so good.  Okay adios amigos :)

A little procrastination to validate the blog name

Not that it needs to be validated, everyone who has ever met me probably knows I am a procrastinator, but I couldn't think of a clever title for this update lol.  So, no news about expansions obviously since I'm done with those.  I do have some random things to talk about relating to my expander, though.

First, I turned 23 a few days ago!  It wasn't really a milestone birthday, except that this is supposed to be my golden year.  In fact I was already supposed to have my crap together by now.  (Yes, Donna, I've always thought 23 was the golden age too.)  It seemed like plenty of time to have it all figured out.  Of course that hasn't happened, but I do feel like I'm getting there.  I'm just a little behind schedule.  But I still plan on making this a golden year.

For the weekend before my birthday I wanted to get some people together and go out and have fun and pretend I was turning 21.  I hadn't gone clubbing in a long time, and I was really excited.  I knew exactly what I wanted to wear - my black and gold and silver dress.  I never wear it.  I wore it to dinner on my 21st birthday, and I wore it clubbing in SB once.  Whenever I wear it I get compliments on it (all two times, haha).  I was excited to wear it with the slightly bigger boobage going on, and expected it to look great.

It was not looking great.

The problem is that the dress is flattering and pushes everything in.  Everything, that is, except the softball attached to my chest.  No matter what I did, I could not get my boobs to look even in that dress.  I tried different bras, different amounts of padding, blah blah.  It just wasn't working.  It was pretty depressing actually.  Reason #42 to hate my expander: it does not work with certain clothing.  (I just picked a random number, but I'm sure I could come up with at least that many reasons why it's annoying.)

I got over it, it wasn't the end of the world.  I had plenty of other outfits to choose from and I found something that worked so it's all good.  Despite not being able to get into one of the clubs because of their stupid dress code not allowing one guy's shoes, I had a blast.  I had my first Tokyo Tea (? is that what it was called?) and it was good!  Too good.  Thanks to Marissa, Nikko, Vi, and Nick for making it a great night.

My actual birthday was on Monday, and it was fun too.  I went to Wasabi with my parents and Jeffrey, and my mom and I did a sake bomb with the chef while Jeffrey did a soda bomb.  Good times.

Sorry my birthday story was so long, I still have another story to share.  Yesterday in my anatomy and physiology lab we were doing different breathing exercises.  One of them involved doing various things and then seeing how long you could hold your breath.  I was nominated for my group because I'm a swimmer and swimmers are notorious for being able to hold their breath longer than average.  One of the things was to work out vigorously for 2 minutes and then immediately hold your breath.  So I did jumping jacks, ran in place, did push ups, jumped around, more jumping jacks, etc.  For two minutes.  While my group watched.  It was fine at first but then suddenly I became very aware of my chest.  I felt like my left side was moving and my right side was not.  My left side was lower.  I wondered if they could tell.  I figured they probably weren't looking at my chest, and even if they were they probably didn't put that much thought into it.  But I did.  It wasn't a big deal, it was actually kinda funny.  It's just one of those things, sometimes things remind me that I don't have a normal chest like I used to.  I have never put so much thought into that area of my body as I have since this whole thing started.

I'm very open about this whole thing, as you all know.  I have no problem talking about it.  I just don't bring it up for no reason.  So, people who have met me after my mastectomy (like the people in my lab group) don't know about it because it's never come up.  It's not like I introduce myself as "Hi I'm Michelle, I only have one real boob."  It seems kinda pointless.  But there are times when I want to say it, just so they know. For instances such as yesterday when I wondered if they were paying attention to my chest.  If they had known about my mastectomy and expansions and stuff already, then it wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

Okay I really need to do my psyc homework and go to bed.  That's all for now.  Happy Pi Day!

Done expanding! Now waiting for the exchange.

I've been putting off blogging as usual, and I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to talk about but I'm not sure if I'm going to remember it all now.  We shall see.

So, my final volume is 350 cc.  My PS likes to overfill, and he recommends me getting a 300 cc implant, but he said that I can go with 350 if I want.  I need to decide what size I want since it's my decision, but I have time to figure it out.

Also, I'm not as certain about getting silicone as I was before.  I'm still definitely leaning toward it, but I found out that the saline implant is much softer than the saline expander.  So, if I did go with saline, it would not feel like a softball like I thought it would.  However, silicone is even softer and closer to natural, plus it doesn't ripple all the time like saline would.  There are advantages and disadvantages to both, I just need to decide which one is better for me overall.  I still think silicone.

At my last appointment I asked about the possibility of me doing the Alcatraz Sharkfest after my exchange surgery, thinking the race would be in late July and my exchange is planned for May 23.  He said no, that would not be enough recovery time.  However, he said that if the race were about a month later he would say it was okay.  I got home and looked up the dates of the different races in the series, and I realized my question didn't even matter as the Alcatraz race is in May.  I might have been able to swing that, except that I haven't swam in a long time, but the race is already sold out.  I did find one in Lake Tahoe in late August (I think the 25th), and it's only a mile as opposed to 1.5 miles.  It seems like a much more laid back swim than Alcatraz, and I think I can do it based on what my PS said.  I still have to ask him to make sure before I sign up, but I'm sure it'll be fine and I really want to do it.

The phantom itch/phantom pain continues, and I still wake up in the middle of the night almost every night, which is getting a little annoying.  I'm really looking forward to the exchange, only about 3 more months!

Oh and another thing, maybe TMI but not really considering the content of my blog.  It is really hard for me to shave my underarm on my right side!  Like impossible!  I can do it but it is not a simple task.  I'm hoping that will be easier after the exchange as well.

Okay that's all for now, there might have been more that I wanted to say but I have to run, going to spin class!  Oh that reminds me, I went skiing yesterday with my brother Chris, it was so much fun!  But now I'm really sore and my leg is killing me from my boot on that side being too tight.

Okie adios amigos, I'll be back to say what I forgot lol.  <3 p="">

Phantom itch, working out, etc.

Hey everyone!  Hope you all had a lovely Valentine's day, mine was nice :)

I had my 6th expansion on Tuesday, putting me up to 325 cc and only one expansion away from being done.  It's bittersweet for me, I'm not sad about not having the pain and soreness after each expansion (which has only been getting worse the more expanded I get), but in a way I am going to miss my weekly ritual.  Everyone knows me in the plastic surgery department, I'm going to miss seeing them all the time, they're so nice and friendly.  My last expansion appt is next Tuesday, and then all that are left are the little details like what kind of implant I'm gonna get.  I'm almost positive I want to go with silicone, because if the saline one feels anything like this expander (which is not unlike a softball) that will bug me.

Lately I've been having this thing that I'm referring to as a phantom itch, and it's driving me crazy!  I think it's pretty common, it's discussed pretty regularly on the breast cancer discussion boards and I talked to my neighbor recently and she's experienced the same thing.  I get an itch on my fake breast, but I have basically no sensation there at all.  So when I scratch it, I get no relief!  It is so annoying!  It comes off and on, I hope it stops soon but some people have said it never fully stops for them, even after the exchange.

Anyway, I've finally been getting back into working out after a long time off.  I got the approval to do cardio like two weeks ago, but I never had the motivation to actually do it until last week.  Since then I've gone running, played tennis (very poorly), and gone to the gym twice.  I'm really going to try to stick to it, I want to get in shape again before my exchange surgery.  I want to be at my goal by then.  I don't really have a specific goal in terms of weight loss (I don't even know how much I weigh or how much that is affected by the super heavy feeling expander I have), I just want to feel healthy and fit.  I figure if I say all this to the public then I'm more likely to actually stick to it.  I'm thinking about starting to go to spin class regularly again, those things are killer!  Wish me luck :)

Okay I should go, I have two tests next week.  Conveniently both on the same day (Wednesday), one for microbio and one for a&p.  So I should really study.  Adios for now :)

Almost done expanding!

I've been terrible at updating this, I'm sorry about that.  I've been keeping pretty busy which is good for me, but it makes me less inclined to post blogs regularly.  My bad ;)

I've had expansions # 4 and 5!  I'm up to 275, I think I only have a couple more to go.  I'm about even right now, a little bigger on the fake side, but all the volume is up high so it looks weird haha.  When I go in for the exchange my PS is going to make it so the implant sits lower and I'll look normal.  And it won't be a rock hard expander, so yay.  I'm really looking forward to the exchange.  Unfortunately I have to wait until after the semester is over, because I'll have to take another two weeks off.  I think I might have mentioned this in my last blog lol.  My mind is all over the place.

My 4th expansion was fine, but after my 5th expansion I had some pain which is weird for me.  Luckily it's subsided since then.  I don't have a whole lot to complain about expander-wise, but I won't be sad when I say goodbye to it haha.  I think I'll be ready for my new silicone friend.  That sounded so corny.  I'm trying to decide if it's too corny for me to say, but I'm thinking no.  I'm such a dork.

Aside from that, I've been really busy with school and really enjoying my classes.  Really.  I like all of them.  My psychology class is full of just-graduated-from-high-school freshmen, and most of them are really immature, but I enjoy the material.  Microbio is so much fun!  Especially the lab.  And anatomy and physiology is as interesting as last semester, although it's a lot more work this time around.  I think I'll be almost done with nursing pre-reqs after this semester, then I still want to take that EMT class so I can get some much needed clinical experience before I apply to nursing school.  It's so exciting!

Anyway, I'm off to hopefully finish my psychology homework before American Idol starts, wish me luck with that.  Ta ta for now. :)

Wait, before I go.  I just happened to log into my breastcancer.org account, which I hadn't done for a while, and I had a message from someone else who was diagnosed with fibromatosis in the breast at around the same time I was.  This is the first person I have talked to with the same thing as me!  As sad of a coincidence as it is, it is really cool to have someone else who really knows what I'm going through with this super rare tumor.  That was a nice thing to see.  I really hope that she doesn't have to have a mastectomy like I did, but she's already had 3 lumpectomies and is looking into more surgeries.  Even though some don't consider this a cancer, I don't see how you can consider it benign.

Okay, I'm really going to sign off now.  Adios amigos.

More expansions and stuff

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been updating!

I had my last drain removed and my second expansion a while ago now, I already forget when it was.  I have it written down somewhere I think but I'm too lazy to look.  My mom couldn't come with me to that appointment, but I was lucky to have my friends Marissa and Vi go with me instead.  The drain removal/second expansion appointment was only a couple days after my first expansion, so my Plastic Surgeon was only able to get in 25 cc, bringing me up to 125.

Yesterday I had my third expansion with another 50 cc, so now I'm at 175!  Yay!  About halfway there or so.  I won't be able to have my exchange surgery until after classes are over, though, because my PS said I'll have to take 2 weeks off for recovery.  I was hoping it would be more like my lumpectomy where I could bounce back a couple of days later, but sadly no.  Also, the Plastic Surgery/Cosmetic Dermatology department moved to a different area, and I got a little confused trying to find it since there were no signs anywhere, but I found it eventually.  It's nice, the rooms are a lot bigger, so the next time I bring an entourage with me to an appointment there will be enough room for everyone.

After my expansion yesterday, I really noticed how much heavier that side is starting to feel.  Also I've been having really bad upper back pain all day today, and I think it might have to do with the expander.  I really hope that it doesn't get worse the more it gets filled because it's pretty uncomfortable and inconvenient.  I took a Motrin but that didn't really help, although it did help a little.  It may be about time to take another one.

In other news, the past week has been eventful.  I had a great time last weekend wine tasting with my mom and our friend Michele in Sonoma, and school started this week.  Originally I wanted to take an EMT class and a couple of other nursing pre-reqs, because being an EMT would be a great way to get some clinical experience (especially since it's virtually impossible to volunteer at a hospital and part of the class involves 72 hours of actual ER/Ambulance work), but I realized that would be too much for me right now.  They recommend taking the EMT class with no other classes because it is so intensive.  I think I might have been okay, but also the physical demands were worrisome to me.  We were going to be doing a lot of lifting in that class - as in, lifting other people - and I'm still not really supposed to lift more than 5 pounds.  (I even had to ask someone to carry my microscope to my desk for me in lab today, haha!)  I also got into the second part of the Anatomy and Physiology series I have to take, and I wanted to take them back to back, so I ended up dropping the EMT class for now.  Instead I'm taking A&P II, Microbio, and Psychology.  Three more pre-reqs down, and hopefully I can take the EMT class next semester; it seemed really fun.

Being back in the relatively normal world has been good, but it is reminding me that I am still recovering.  Having class every day has been draining more of my energy than I thought it would (possibly because of trouble sleeping with this beloved expander of mine), and having to ask people around me for help with seemingly little things is hard for my stubborn nature.  I'm trying to learn to carry my backpack on my left shoulder like my Breast Surgeon suggested, but my instinct is to carry it with the right, and the weight of that does feel like too much after a while.  To compensate I have been making sure to wear both straps so the weight is evenly distributed, but I think I might have to invest in a shoulder bag and force myself to wear it on the left side.  We shall see.

Okay that's all for now.  Adios amigos.